Which Non-Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?

Categories: Culture
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Amiable ruffians.
The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist's almanac of what makes Miami tick. Use it as a means to master your surroundings for use in the upcoming Palin presidential apocalypse or for getting punched in the face, whichever comes first.

No one likes to lose. Losing is almost as awful and pathetic as being a member of Nickelback. We recently learned a thing or two about which neighborhoods and Hispanics would survive the post-apocalypse, but what about the rest?

Armed with modern investigative techniques such as asking a cubicle mate for some random country names and cross-referencing that data with an iPhone's auto-correct, we set out to discover which other nationalities predominantly inhabit Miami and the best way to catalog their characteristics. As always, this is going to be racist as fuck.

Haitian. Haitians are relegated to doing all the shit other Miami residents really hate doing. Like work. If you've never ridden in a cab driven by a Haitian, please take the time to do so after you've updated your life insurance policy and dotted the i's in your will. They might not care about unimportant things like traffic signs and right of way, yet they'll get you where you need to go faster than anyone else. That's efficiency, and extremely useful in a lawless society controlled by renegade car gangs. Little Haiti, El Portal, and North Miami are their congregation points.

Positive Attributes: Unlike the Hispanics, Haitians have their own language in which they can speak in code when formulating their attacks. With the community's mastery of musicianship, they can hide secrets in songs and none would be the wiser. Oh, that hot new Wyclef track? Attack signal. Take that shit, German Enigma.

Negative Attributes: The Haitian diaspora in Miami unfortunately suffers from poverty. It's tough to mount an attack when gun runners don't deal in food stamps.

Brazilian.
They've got the art of bootleg Spanish down pat. Listening to a Brazilian talk is like listening to a Hispanic with an allergic reaction to sesame seeds speak Spanish through his swollen tongue. Admittedly, it's very difficult to tell a Brazilian apart from the rest because every stupid asshole non-Brazilian seems to have one of their soccer jerseys. They can't tell you who the president of Brazil is, but they'll know how to pick Ronaldinho's ugly-ass face out of a lineup with their eyes closed. North Bay Village and Doral are where Brasileiros call home.

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Carla Arenas
There is only one actual Brazilian in this photo, and he's blurry because he's dancing samba.
Positive Attributes: That fake martial art of capoeira can come in handy if they want to make their enemies laugh at how dumb it is to think that some impractical dancing and legwork in which the goal is to miss your opponent every time is worthwhile in combat. It'll give their compatriots time to retreat and counter with jujitsu.

Negative Attributes: Most people assume their national sport is soccer, but in reality it's crime. Rather than fixing problems, they just create favelas and dump their issues there.

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5 comments
Ankit
Ankit

What about all the Greeks in Hollywood/Hallandale?  The ones that aren't rioting in Athens are secretly opening Taverna Opa's all over town.

Jan
Jan

Um, what about the JEWS? There's like half a mil of us in south florida... all in the gables, miami beach, and probs about 90% of pinecrest/palmetto bay

Orlando
Orlando

Jews aren't exactly a nationality.

I left that for the religion post if we ever get to it.

John
John

well, you shouldn't categorize wasps as wasps then, you should lump in jews and wasps together into a gringo bucket or white trash or something.

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