Which Non-Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?
No one likes to lose. Losing is almost as awful and pathetic as being a member of Nickelback. We recently learned a thing or two about which neighborhoods and Hispanics would survive the post-apocalypse, but what about the rest?
Armed with modern investigative techniques such as asking a cubicle mate for some random country names and cross-referencing that data with an iPhone's auto-correct, we set out to discover which other nationalities predominantly inhabit Miami and the best way to catalog their characteristics. As always, this is going to be racist as fuck.
Haitian. Haitians are relegated to doing all the shit other Miami residents really hate doing. Like work. If you've never ridden in a cab driven by a Haitian, please take the time to do so after you've updated your life insurance policy and dotted the i's in your will. They might not care about unimportant things like traffic signs and right of way, yet they'll get you where you need to go faster than anyone else. That's efficiency, and extremely useful in a lawless society controlled by renegade car gangs. Little Haiti, El Portal, and North Miami are their congregation points.
Brazilian. They've got the art of bootleg Spanish down pat. Listening to a Brazilian talk is like listening to a Hispanic with an allergic reaction to sesame seeds speak Spanish through his swollen tongue. Admittedly, it's very difficult to tell a Brazilian apart from the rest because every stupid asshole non-Brazilian seems to have one of their soccer jerseys. They can't tell you who the president of Brazil is, but they'll know how to pick Ronaldinho's ugly-ass face out of a lineup with their eyes closed. North Bay Village and Doral are where Brasileiros call home.