50 Reasons Florida Is the Best Effing State in America

Categories: Lists
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Here are two reasons.
Just as no one can talk about our mamas but us, no one can talk shit about our state except our own news blog. So when Gawker recently ranked Florida the 12th worst state in America (better than Alaska [#11] but worse than Arkansas [#13], really Gawker?), well, truthfully, we just went to the beach and forgot all about the crappy website.

But then other blogs began touting their home state as the best, and we got a little competitive. Oh really, Colorado, you have mountains? Minnesota, you have lakes with cabins? Game on, United States of America. We come from the land of Tony Montana. We eat breakfast with parrots and leave sweat stains that look like Mickey Mouse.

Gawker called Florida a kooky, charming, fucked-up swamp. So here are 50 reasons our quirk and warmth should get us crowned best effing state in the union.

50. Alien-seeking rockets and shit? Yeah, we do those at Cape Canaveral.

49. Greater Miami is the only metropolitan area in the U.S. bordered by two national parks.

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48. Saint Augustine is the oldest European settlement in North America. That's right, we even beat those fucking pilgrims at Plymouth.

47. Florida is the only state in the continental U.S. to have extensive coral reefs off its coasts. We make video art about them, and then Adult Swim airs it. We think this is what is referred to as the Krebs cycle.

46. Electrolytes! In your face! No, seriously, have some of our delicious Gatorade. You look thirsty.

45. We said a big F-you to skin cancer and invented sunscreen.

44. We have 663 miles of beaches, some topless ones and a few bottomless.

43. The only natural disasters we have are hurricanes (well, and Canadian tourists), and we can see those coming.

42. Art deco architecture, motherfuckers!

41. Our 1972 Dolphins are still the only undefeated NFL team in history.

40. Florida towns Sweetwater and Gibson were founded by retired carnies and circus freaks. So the bearded lady is, like, our neighbor.

39. Disney World kicks Disneyland's lame ass.

38. We even inspired cranky drunk Ernest Hemingway.

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Photo by Roy Anderson
Marina Anderson, the Mermaid at Wreck Bar
37. Our happy hours include live mermaids. Also, mermaid is a viable career choice in Florida.

36. Go ahead and have sweet tea and grits with your New York-style bagels and lox. Living here is like living in the North and in the South at the same damn time.


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135 comments
HVChronic
HVChronic

I have a love/hate relationship with the place, my dad having dragged our family there in the '70s to pursue his doomed Hemingway fantasy. Skipping out on his business and debts up north, he bought a bar and marina in Dunedin, which was full of drunks he had to throw into the gulf every night. I split and came back up north, but he left my mom for the cocktail waitress, married her and had an increasingly drunken and violent domestic life until he quit drinking and smoking, whereupon he got cancer. He beat that rap, after losing a lung and a half. The last ten years of his life were spent tooling around on a three-wheeled cart with an oxygen tank hooked to his nose, picking up women on the beach and going fishing in an ever-worsening series of boats. He also managed to be a Bucs fan, sitting in the end zone at home games in an orange windbreaker, yelling at the coach with what was left of his voice. He was a real Florida guy. I liked to visit him, watch the Phillies and Pirates in the spring, go fishing with him and his useless friend, "Captain Dummy," and get stuck 20 miles out when the engine died, get towed in by the Coast Guard and then go out to a Tampa strip club or two (they were the best in the nation). Every once and a while we'd head downtown and harass Scientologists. Ah, Florida. https://soundcloud.com/biff-thuringer/clearwater

jooltim
jooltim

I just spent the day house hunting. Now I wanna puke. Its either snowbird tourist country where everything is neat as a pin and artificially clean, or F-ing swamp. whats wrong with this state?

sdsummers
sdsummers

Number one was my favorite...


sdsummers
sdsummers

I came across this site looking for travel segment ideas as a travel host.  Thanks, this article was fantastic.  Well done.  I've been here five months and love it.  'Lived in Alaska, Colorado, Cali, and this is by far one of the best.

mancia1
mancia1

 @smarotti424 yea fuck florida they just hatin cuz they know california is the best. Where else r u going to find hot girls of all types of race and legal weed

smarotti424
smarotti424

Why Florida is not t best state. Because California exists.

Vicmerinojr
Vicmerinojr

Somebody give these school teachers a cookie. The article is hilarious and right on point. Dont forget our everglades and its alligators/crocodiles who reel in millions of dollars in gator shoes sold to the same country dudes voting their mountains #1!

Carl Hiaasen
Carl Hiaasen

Speaking of profanity: Fuck Gatorade. That is some disgusting crap. Also, Florida is a cesspool shaped like a wang. Broward County and Jacksonville are just two of the many reasons this entire list is moot.

cljahn
cljahn

You missed a few celebrities; Kim Hunter, Rob Morrow, and Richard Mulligan are all natives. And the Six Million Dollar Man retired to Fort Lauderdale. Suck it, Ojai!

tommyriv
tommyriv

@Mia  Miami is top place...You shouldn’t believe, my co-worker's step-aunt makes $80/hr on the computer. She has been without work for 9 months but last month her income was USD9023 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read more on this site... http://nxy.in/ncd9h

Leo Jones
Leo Jones

only 50? here is 150 reasons why it sucks.

Britto Lover
Britto Lover

congratulations!!!  usually, you guys only write this many comment on articles about britto!! (WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN A REASON!!!)

Your Mom
Your Mom

what about ULTRA???????????????????

Christina morejon
Christina morejon

I Luff U! =)

50. Alien-seeking rockets and shit? Yeah, we do those at Cape Canaveral.

Danielle Sanda
Danielle Sanda

It's true, we're pretty great.  Downside is that there are no seasons.  There is cold-ish, breezy, and hot.  Yet we have the sea breeze to keep us from reaching flame-broiling levels.

Jsjsj
Jsjsj

Florida is the worst... everyone who lives there and thinks it's awesome is dillusional. There's nothing to do there except shop and party. That place has got no soul at ALL. All it is is a bunch of shopping plazas

Hermosame4132
Hermosame4132

I love the profanity its great when proving points n proving some asshole wrong this shit is funny as hell lmao!!!

JuanJ
JuanJ

You have a republican governor, the lowest average IQ after Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska and you also have all the confused Jew voters in the country. Trust me, gawker is absolutely correct.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Well.. I haven't visited other states besides FL yet, but if this is the best America has to offer, shit.. the whole country must suck.

sellingoff america
sellingoff america

Get rid of the low life and beggers and revert back to english and south florida may have something...

RedSoxNation
RedSoxNation

Racism, hate, insults ! What r u commenters talking about?

I'm pretty prudish, but my frickin stomach was splitting open from laughter.

#18, great video, but where are members of the fairer sex, the best natural wonder of SFL. Did that boat come from FLL? Ha, ha !!

The one about Anglo food sections was a howl.

If you dont like FL, move back to the north n freeze your scrotum off 10 months out of the year!

Vice-Queen Maria
Vice-Queen Maria

There are no orchids in that photo, but the macaws trump everything. There are actual feral blue and gold macaws living in the Coral Gables/South Miami area.

Luis G.
Luis G.

This shit was was hilarious. I'm from Miami and have lived here since infancy. I think some people might be taking this a little too seriously, and this was obviously meant to be humorous. Crude, but humorous. A lot of these points are true. 

STOIDES9
STOIDES9

Type your comment here.I love MIAMI.HOTTEST GIRLS ,BEST WEATHER,IM NOT SPANISH BUT THEIR CULTURE KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF ANALLY AND SEXUALLY REPRESSED AMERICAN.

GerOhm
GerOhm

I effing love this article!!

Gore Lando
Gore Lando

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  *tears*

IMJPRO
IMJPRO

Love it!  True on so many levels!

Deadyank
Deadyank

another bunch of paranoid septic tanks who thinks the world cares about them or their country

Bigted
Bigted

Now I know why the young people today have such foul mouths. They have such classy roll models as this article's writer. I'm no prude but the foul language of this article was NOT really necessary and it certainly tells other's that not all Floridians are well bred or well behaved. Are you trying to bring visitors to Florida or tun them away. For what sounds like a Floridian, you have set a very bad example.

Mjp
Mjp

With the I'm on a boat bit could have thrown I That t pain is short for Tallahassee pain and that he is from there.

Angelique Hazard
Angelique Hazard

born and raised in florida myself, and i come from generations of native floridians.  still, i always wanted the opportunity to live somewhere else.  but this list gave me stuff to think about and now i appreciate my home state a little more.

jsyn
jsyn

#40 - "Gibsonton" not "Gibson"  also known as Carnie-ville  where people  get trampled to death by their pet elephants, have backyards full of tigers, and carnival games & rides in the front yard   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G...

Danielle Schnering
Danielle Schnering

OH my god I've been cracking up!! And the first time I ever was in Tallahassee I kept saying the same thing!!

Jamstefan
Jamstefan

Lived in FL for 8 years, I even still have a property there in a nice area in Miami. Living now in VA. I would never move back to FL; worst state I've ever lived, and I've lived in quite a few.

Jelly
Jelly

we love you britto!  the new times sucks and this is just more proof that their writers are retarded

Your Mom
Your Mom

maybe you're just jealous because you can't afford to shop and nobody invited you to the party!!! 

Amanda Louise Hart
Amanda Louise Hart

Is there a reason you sit and read articles like this that are meant for a laugh, but instead take them seriously? Your life must be miserable. Laugh a little. No state is perfect, but there's no need for asshattery directed at people who are proud of theirs. Lighten up.

Amanda
Amanda

What's the matter, sweetheart? Afraid of being cultured?

Your Mom
Your Mom

we can thank hurricane andrew for the enormous exotic bird population

Amanda Louise Hart
Amanda Louise Hart

Miami is a totally different culture than Florida as a whole, but if the few inconveniences that come with living in a major city dissuade you from the beaches, women, and culture, then quit reading articles on the Miami New Times while you're snowed in and have nothing better to do than argue something that was never an argument in the first place, and leave us to our own opinions. The article was meant for a laugh, not to open a debate. Which was fairly obvious, unless you're a bitter retiree whose only form of entertainment is picking fights. Enjoy your snow. Thanks.

Wayne
Wayne

Did you live on Florida or Miami? Because if I lived in Richmond for 8 years, I probably wouldn't like Virginia.

Colleen
Colleen

I was born and raised in Florida. Left to go to college in Virginia. Got a job in Virginia Beach after graduation. I lasted 6 months. They wrap the palm trees in black plastic during the winter to keep them from dying.

Florida never has to wrap palm trees in black plastic.

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