Castrating Glee Cast Members and Other Ways to Make the Emmys More Watchable

The Emmys need help. And we're just the ones to give it.

​There was a time when awards shows, the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, heck even the MTV Movie Awards meant something in American culture - mostly that there was a 3-hour block of Sunday night where you'd be riveted to television. But those days are long gone. Today, awards shows are the retirement homes of television viewership - a good enough place for your parents to live, but no place you have any interest in visiting.

TV execs are aware of this and have made some moves to spice up the Oscars, with Miami boy Brett Ratner producing and Eddie Murphy hosting, and shoring up the art aesthetic of the Latin Grammys. But before either of those is the  63rd Primetime Emmy Awards this Sunday at 8 p.m. on Fox. The show is also sure to have some new wrinkles with Survivor producer Mark Burnett taking over the show and Jane Lynch hosting. But will the changes be enough? Probably not. So we're throwing Burnett a bone in the form of five suggestions to make sure the Emmys are a hit.

5. Make the Emmys more like reality TV
If there's one thing we know about at Cultist is that people love Reality TV. The bawdier the better. So it's time to change the format a bit. We suggest having nominees sit on stage as the winner of each category is called out. Hopefully, we can get some action like in the reunion shows for Housewives, Bad Girls Club, and Basketball Wives.

4. Have a walk of shame for losers
"I'm just honored to be nominated." Really? Not if you have to leave the awards ceremony after you don't win in your category. This will definitely up the ante and make sure there's no fake graciousness for the losers.


3. Jane Lynch encore of Guatemalan love song from 40 Year Old Virgin
Lynch, who is hosting the Emmys and also up for an award for her role in Glee, already said she wanted to include a musical number as part of her duties. If she sings her Guatemalan Love song she won't even need to rehearse.

2. Put a laugh track on during the In Memoriam montage
Burnett already said, "I think 'in memoriam' doesn't need to be a bummer," so how about adding some laughs to the proceedings. Think that's in bad taste? Maybe, but bad taste wins, or haven't you seen Jersey Shore ratings.

1. Castrate Male Members of Glee on live television
It's no secret that there's no love lost between Cultist and Glee but we have to admit that the show is popular and wins awards. In order to keep things that way show producers must make sure there male cast members don't lose their precious voices. Solution. Castrati. Everybody wins!

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