House of Horror: Cops, Jailbait Tweens, and a Few Scares

houseofhorrors.jpg
Even ghouls pose for photo ops.
​America can be counted on for many things, and one of them is increasing the timeline of acceptability to honor a holiday. Which is why House of Horror officially opened its black gates last night when it was still September. It's all about the holiday spirit, folks. And the holiday spirit is expressed in currency and deep-fried everything. Have you ever had a deep-fried thing... deep-fried? Well, get your silly ass to Doral's answer to a question literally no one has asked!

House of Horror is a pretty fun time, let's get that out of the way. It's like a low-budget Santa's Enchanted Forest. And as you know, Santa's Enchanted Forest has the budget of a middle-class white teenage girl, so make of that what you will.

But what's it all about? Is it worth spending the $23 to chill in a mall parking lot while a dude in a ghoul costume seamlessly switches between doing the Dougie and scaring your daughter into celibacy? Yeah, dude, it is.

As an amusement park, you can find the typical carnival fare: fattening food, scummy games, and gross negligence of mechanical equipment. If you listen closely, you can actually hear the lawsuit paperwork being typed by a paralegal as one of the many spin-until-I-shit-myself rides breaks down and kills four innocent junior high school kids doing what junior high school kids do. Playing pogs, or whatever. Kids still do that, right?

That's the next thing you notice -- all the little tweens engaging in PDA and dressing like women. Seriously, there's so much jailbait at House of Horror, they could film two or three seasons of To Catch a Predator in a single night.

Obviously, that sort of crowd is to be expected, and that's part of what makes it fun. The rides are another attraction. There's a house of mirrors, kid's fun house, bumper cars, and a slide. The rest of the stuff is prone to a 21-gun salute. Most of the rides are of the spinning variety, which seems to be the popular choice amongst teens and moldable pottery clay.

Finally, the haunted house, the centerpiece of the experience. Once inside, you're queued up again briefly and separated into groups. You're led into a small, dark room where an ominous voice cuts through the darkness.

"Welcome to the House of Horror!" - You're excited.

"Prepare to shit yourself out of abject fear!" - You're anxious and ready.

"Muahahaha! Dread awaits you!" - You're clutching to your friends for dear life.

"But first, a few ground rules. Don't touch the actors. Don't run in the house. If you're prone to epilepsy, please exit the house immediately. Those with heart conditions..." - You're laughing your ass off.

Way to fuck up the illusion. I know attorney-happy Americans need to be warned of everything so the lowest common denominator among us doesn't shit his pants in a haunted house and then sue the company for punitive damages, but come on.

Even the most hardened war veterans will receive a startle or two as they make their way through the strobe lights and darkness. Sure, most of the scaring comes from an impromptu "OOGA BOOGA BOO" from someone who was blending in with the scenery. But on occasion, you'll be scared by the fact that one of those actors has a prison tat.

Speaking of prison, another thing that ruins the illusion is how they have a cop in a bright white shirt in every other room. And he's just sitting there with his shiny-ass badge smirking at people as they pass by. At least give the cop a machete or something. One guy exclaimed, "Oh shit, son, that cop's the scariest thing in here! I got warrants!"

Fine, no one actually said that.

All in all, House of Horror is a decent way to spend a lazy October evening. Go there, ride a few rides, eat a few treats, subject yourself to some fear in the haunted house, listen to some music by the stage, play some carnival games, then go home and hit the Bowflex for three hours to burn off all the elephant ears.

House of Horror is open until October 31 at Miami International Mall (1205 NW 107th Ave. Doral). Tickets cost $15 for kids and $23 for adults. Visit houseofhorrorpark.com.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Location Info

Map

Miami International Mall

1455 NW 107th Ave., Doral, FL

Category: General


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
3 comments
Joe
Joe

Mr. Winters, although I am a huge fan of the New Times, your editor slipped badly by allowing you to write with untrue facts. First of all, there is not one police officer posted inside of the house. You see my friend, I run the security at the park. Those "police officers" that are posted at each of the exits inside of the house are state licensed security officers clearly displaying the word security on the "white shirts" as well as their comapny identification card clipped on their shirts. Oh, and did you see one gun? No you did not. Police officers are armed. FYI, they are there to radio management if any patrons become so scared that they ask to exit. Many do and are properly escorted out of the house.  For your information, we have had only once to enlist the assistance of the Doral Police officers at the park, "Blue Shirts" armed and in full iniform including a shinny badge, once in well over a week. They are not looking for parole violators or criminals inside of my clients house. All you have to do is to post yourself at the exit when the guys with chaianless saws chase you out and find one person who does not come out smiling. The New Times should be a shamed of themselves for allowing you to write at will grossly misrepresenting yourself and how my client does business. Maybe next year we should invite you to come along to see the State of Florida investigators inspect every ride and the fire marshalls inspect the entire property including the house. Why don't you do a little research and see who is behind the carnival rides. I think if you and your paper would have done a bit more research, you would not have written such a slanderous article.

ELLEOHELLE
ELLEOHELLE

lol never. The actual horror is this place.

Erwin
Erwin

lol. STFU Joe. It's entertainment. Good job, Orlando.

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Clubs

Loading...