Dancing With the Stars Episode Four: Chaz Makes Cher Proud

The Great White Hope or Hopeless?

​Last week on Dancing With the Stars Kristin Cavallari was eliminated, a moment ABC recognized by tastefully using CGI to blow her up. A white blonde girl was exploded on TV -- is this a tactic to distract Nancy Grace?

Last night's theme was movie scores, so we expected plenty of jokes about bad movies the competitors starred in. Like did you know Carson Kressley starred in a movie where John Goodman played Santa? It's true!

Because three people have been eliminated and ABC still has two hours of programming to fill (and they only have so many sitcoms that are derivative of Modern Family), there were several dances involving a bunch of people we don't recognize dancing to the themes from Star Wars and The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Needless to say, the dances fell under the 'Bad' category.

Chynna Phillips and Tony tango to the Mission: Impossible theme, and much in the spirit of the film, Chynna self-destructed, earning a 21. This week will be a real test to see if the Billy Baldwin fanbase can vote her through. Though we suspect the Billy Baldwin fans are upset that Chynna didn't dance to the theme to Lifetime original movie, The Craigslist Killer.

David Arquette and Kym are dancing to the Raiders of the Lost Ark theme because it's such a great idea to give someone as emotionally stable as David a bullwhip. An amazing moment happens when David screws up the dance during rehearsals and blames it on his dyslexia. We kind of hope Arquette blames all mistakes in his life on dyslexia as it would explain his entire filmography. They get a 23, likely loosing points because Kym spells her name with a Y instead of an I like God intended.

Carson Kressley and Anna dance to the Pirates of the Caribbean theme gaining a scant 20 points. We're going to assume that the score was fair but honestly we spent the majority of the performance wondering how much money it would take for Johnny Depp to play Carson in a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy film adaptation. Probably less than you'd think.

Nancy Grace and Tristan do the Cassanova to the Flash Gordon theme, ensuring that Carson and Chaz's appearances won't be the gayest segment this week, earning 21 points after slipping at the end of the performance. They show Tristan visiting Nancy at work and while all TV studios are deceptively smaller than they look on screen, it appears that CNN keeps Nancy in an electrical closet, keeping her feral and agitated not unlike a possum.

Hope Solo and Maks do a cute foxtrot to 'You Got a Friend in Me' from Toy Story marking the first time anyone has danced to a Randy Newman song, gaining 24 points.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl dance to the Superman theme because Rob feels inadequate in his sisters' shadow, earning 24 points as well. Though honestly I just wish Rob would ask David Arquette for his therapist's card because dude has issues that ballroom dancing isn't going to fix.

Ricki Lake and Derek get very upset practicing for their dance to the Psycho theme but it all works out when they get a 29. That's a very high score! Dr. Phil is in the crowd, too! J.R.

Martinez and Karina also do a very good dance to the Pink Panther theme, gaining a 26 but that's not as impressive as a 29 so nobody, including Dr. Phil, cares.

Chaz Bono and Lacey dance to the Rocky theme, allowing for a training montage featuring Richard Simmons because ABC felt ambitious and decided to be belittling to the LGBT and Fat communities instead of just picking one like they usually do. We're disappointed that Chaz and Lacey didn't pick Smokey in the Bandit as their film because how fun would that have been? Chaz gets a 21 and Cher seems proud, so that's all that matters.

Our predictions: Carson or Chynna gets eliminated. See you next week!

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