Zombies Suck: Five Monsters We Hope Make a Comeback this Halloween

Braaaiiins? Boooring!

​With this opening sentence, we hope to formally enact the end of the drawn out, seemingly endless Age of Zombies.

Of course, the undead have contributed much to the canon of supernatural creatures and occurrences. Their persistence, minimalism, and cross-cultural adaptability should be applauded. Our beef isn't even with zombies, but regular-ass humans who have beaten the zombie motif to a bloody pulp.

You know things are out of control when the Zombie Walk demographic manages to saturate its own event market with too many damn Zombie Walks. So here are five monsters we'd much rather see this Halloween than played out grave escapers.

5. Mummies Are Better Than Zombies
Here's a good transitional monster for those apprehensive about adjusting their supernatural creature intake. It's a scary step, but think about it: Mummy's are baaasically zombies with a cooler costume--love the bandages,baby. They're so 1999 BC-- and a sexy and/or mystical ancient Egyptian mythology.



4. Vampires (And No We Don't Mean Twilight) Are Cooler Than Zombies
The new wave of Vampires--led by tween-lust fantasy novel and film series Twilight, and adjusted for "adults" by True Blood--is pathetically trying to modernize the classic aesthetic. We want our vampires to act and look like an elusive, kinda creepy, metrosexual uncle circa 1950.



3. Witches Are Better Than Zombies
Harry Fucking Potter not only spoiled this classic pseudo-feminist (witches were highly misunderstood) archetype by introducing a whole bunch of crap that has nothing to do with witching's core principles of snatching babies to brew in your cauldron and organizing the world's supply of razor-blade trick-or-treat candy.



2. Chupacabras Are Better Than Zombies
What do you mean nobody ever solved Miami's chupacabra craze of the mid-90s? Are you trying to tell us that shit is still loose?



1. Cookie Monster Is Better Than Zombies
Cookie Monster is truly a monster after our own heart. No time for village wrecking, explorer terrorizing, or Munchkin abuse. This guy is all business. And by business, we mean unabashed, no-shame gluttony. Can you imagine if in place of a bunch of lazy corpse paint and half-assed shouts of "Braaaains!," Lincoln Road was subsumed by a Cookie Monster walk?

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.