Ten Ways to Have a Successful Thanksgiving

Categories: Culture
Ah, Thanksgiving; the time of year when Pilgrims and Indians grow corn and shoot unsuspecting turkeys all in the name of a gigantic overindulgent feast.

Nowadays however, Thanksgiving is known for its family-oriented festivities where all the relatives can get together in one place and criticize each other. Oh, and eat more food in one sitting than seems humanly possible. With all the holiday headaches that come with, lighten your load a bit with our Thanksgiving checklist and have a Happy Thanksgiving!
10. Fast for 24 hours to allow maximum consumption. Or you could just trade stomachs with a cow to allow for easy digestion of the four Thanksgiving food groups. One for turkey, one for mashed potatoes, one for green bean casserole, one for cranberry sauce...

9. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and pray the Smurfs float gets rickrolled in the middle of their la la la's and happy little Smurf dances like Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends' float did in 2008.

8. Finally feel secure in your adulthood by insisting you sit at the big table instead of the kids' table. So what if there's no room? Get a bigger table grandma!

7. Outbelch your Dad and Grandpa in the annual Thanksgiving Belch-a-Thon. Bonus if your burps taste like cranberry. Mmmm...cranberry...

6. Two words: pumpkin pie.

5. Watch awkwardly as your grandparents squabble over who will clean the dishes. Then, casually lose your hearing as they trade threats of where the turkey baster might end up next.

4. Pre-break the wishbone, then glue it back together. Take the bigger half and wish for a saner family. If anyone suspects your trickery, just tell them the turkey had osteoporosis.

3. Watch the Dolphins/Cowboys game. If things get ugly, pretend you fell asleep. You can blame it on the tryptophan, just don't let them see your tears.

2. Tell turkey jokes to your little cousins and watch them squirt gravy out their noses.

Q. What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A. Wing! Wing!

1. Be thankful you have a family to spend Thanksgiving with even if they are loud, annoying, gassy, and eccentric. At least you're not spending it in jail like Lindsay Lohan.

--Liana Minassian

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