Dispatches from the Kate Gosselin Cruise Caribbean 2012

Categories: Culture
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Photo via kategosselincruise.com
She's starred in her own TV series. She's written a series of books. She's been a tabloid scapegoat, and also a tabloid darling. And now, Kate Gosselin is hosting her very own cruise, departing from Ft. Lauderdale in August. When we heard the news, we couldn't help but imagine what the Kate Gosselin Cruise experience is like. Here's our best guess, told from the point of view of an average passenger.

Departure Day: Greetings, travel journal! Kathy here. I've just arrived onboard the Allure of the Seas, and already I'm convinced that this is gonna be the best trip ever! Check-in went smoothly, though I've gotta admit that I'd hoped to see more eligible men among our ranks. This cougar is single and ready to mingle!!! Actually, I haven't seen any men at all ... but it's okay, because my BFF Gretchen is sharing my room, making this a real girls' getaway! The only thing more fun than cracking open some white zin and watching Kate Plus Eight reruns with Gretchen is ladies' night at Friday's back home in Topeka. Throw in some palm trees and a pina colada in each hand, and there's no stopping this party!

And I haven't even mentioned the best part yet: Kate Gosselin is actually here, on this very ship. I haven't seen her yet, but I've instructed Gretchen to keep her eyes peeled. She was busy trying to pick this stubborn piece of chicken nugget out of her teeth, but she grunted enthusiastically, so I know we'll find her soon. I can't wait to show her my hair -- I had it cut just like hers before the cruise. Off now to the embarkation party on the pool deck -- sooo excited!!!

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Highlights of the Kate Gosselin Cruise
Labadee, Haiti: Our first island stop! Would you believe this is my first-ever time out of the U.S.? It's true. Gretchen's never even been out of Kansas, and I think it's a little stressful for her. She keeps tearing at those knots in her hair, and that "muttering to herself" thing she does is louder than ever. Maybe she just can't hear so well over the soothing sounds of the ocean. It's refreshing, in a way.

Anyway, the island of Haiti is beautiful. I'm really very disappointed in the media back home -- this place is a paradise! I was a little afraid to get off the ship at first, in case hoardes of black natives were hiding somewhere waiting to rob unsuspecting tourists, and maybe even capture one or two of us to eat. But once I set my feet in the sand, I knew all that business about the earthquakes was baloney. From the Royal Caribbean-owned restaurants to the Royal Caribbean-owned gift shops, and even the Royal Caribbean security guards patrolling the borders of our little stretch of sand, everything's just peachy here!

Kate did seem a bit disappointed, though. (Did you see how I did that? I meant Kate GOSSELIN, of course -- we're on a first-name basis now. Gretchen found her at the private welcome cocktail party, and she welcomed us to the cruise personally -- can you believe it?? I could barely see her because the lights from her camera crew were so bright, but I squinted through the pain and pointed out that our names start with the same letter, which basically means we're soulmates. She gave me a great smile as she backed away to greet more of her fans. We'll be besties before this cruise is done!) I think she was sad that there weren't any poor, starving, black kids she could help. I heard her complaining about the lack of photo opps, which is so sweet -- a photo of themselves with Kate Gosselin would be just the boost those kids need. But they're nowhere to be found, because Haiti is apparently rich. Boy, did that make me feel a lot better about spending my vacation here! If only those snooty lawyers I work with could see their paralegal now!

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