Let's All Stop Pretending Baby Sloths Aren't Vile, Filthy Creatures, Okay?

Categories: Culture
babysloth_By qmnoniceditededited.jpg
qmnonic flick
Don't be enticed by the infant!
Up until recently sloths were known as only two things: 1) the super gross looking man-creature from The Goonies who Chunk befriends, and 2) the super-lazy-looking South American mammal with long, creepy claws that does nothing but hang out in trees Kardashian-ing it (aka doing nothing) all day long.

That is, until last year, when filmmaker Lucy Cooke spurred a sloths are cute! trend by releasing the very popular YouTube video Meet the Sloths. All of a sudden, everyone on the Interwebs was all, awww, aren't they snuggly? over the little guys. How did Cooke, with a little help from Animal Planet, accomplish this? By filming orphaned baby sloths at the Aviarios Sloth Sanctuary in Costa Rica being, well, adorable, orphaned, baby sloths.

Here at Cultist, we feel that it is our duty to give our readers a reality check. Sloths are not cute. They are nasty. Do not be blinded by the power of baby-ness! We've dug up five facts that prove sloths are filthy animals indeed. Feel free to eat your lunch while reading...especially if you're dieting.



Fact 1: They grow algae on their fur.
That's right, the disgusting tree-slime that you mistake for fish poop when you're cleaning out your home aquarium grows on these nasty little beasts, giving their coat a greenish hue. This makes them look like vegetation from afar, defending these lazy fucks from predators like eagles and jaguars.

Fact 2: They're all gross and lazy about dying.
When a sloth dies, they have been known to retain their grip on a branch and remain suspended in the tree in which they croaked. Lovely. We're sure that's not traumatic for sloth children. What if an adorable yet wretched baby sloth decides he wants to cuddle up and take a nap with his granny, only to find out nine to 14 hours later that Memaw is a carcass hanging from a tree like a piñata? And she's not filled with candy. She's filled with death. Stop being so lazy and think about your children, sloths. They are your future!

Fact 3: They will bite a bitch.
According to an interview Boing Boing did with a Dr. Donald E. Moore, a man who hates himself enough to become a sloth biologist at Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington, D.C, one day a female sloth, for no good reason, came rushing towards him "upside down along a vine, as fast as a cat would run along the floor. She grabbed me and pulled my hand to her mouth and then bit." That is not cute. That is bitchy.
[Ed. note: I have personally witnessed a sloth bite a human. It drew blood from the hand of a perfectly pleasant, 16-year-old tourist from Germany. True story.]

Fact 4: They are full of shit.
Sloths only come down from trees once a week to poop (according to Susan E Goodman). And when they do, they do a creepy little dance that looks like this:



Fact 5: They have nasty-ass diets:
Or, should we say, nasty ass-diets. Speaking of poop, sometimes they'll eat it. And not their own poop, people poop. And swim in it as well. Don't believe us? If these photos don't stop you from lovin' on sloths, nothing will.

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10 comments
greatlakes555
greatlakes555

Hey whoever wrote this I hope you know you're going to hell, so live it up because sloths rule !

morgado4
morgado4

Why someone would write such a hate filled article is beyond me.. You have serious issues.

osamabinrandom
osamabinrandom

Okay so this was hilarious, made my day. Not sure why everyone is so upset, because I'm pretty sure this is more of a joke article than anything. It's being taken to seriously. Anyway this was great comic relief, thanks for this and keep up the good work!

Bombshell88
Bombshell88

The person who wrote this sounds like a non educated asshole. I really hope one day you realize how asinine you wrote this article. As for nasty and disgusting.. Your mouth isn't any more sanitary than the things you wrote about this innocent animal. If I could find who you were, I'd smash your face!

Nny_jthm_
Nny_jthm_

You're intitalled to your opinion...but fuck you. Eating poo is something lots of animals do(you dog), just train them not to. The algea, just keep them clean. They're lazy? No shit, they're sloths! And biting people seems like a lot of wok for a lazy sloth, so they were probably provoked somehow. Also, they are freaking adorable

Larn Zito
Larn Zito

BABY SLOTHS ARE ANGELIC, HAPPY, SMILING CREATURES. THEY DONT EVER WANT TO HURT ANYBODY. HUMANS ARE TRUELY THE DISGUSTING ANIMALS OF THE EARTH. THEY MAKE ME FUCKING SICK

Larn Zito
Larn Zito

SERIOUSLY THIS SHIT IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY

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