Five Stars We Liked Better When They Were Fat

Categories: Lists
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nayrb7 flickr
Oh, Kirstie Alley! Maybe you lost 100 pounds since your stint on Dancing With the Stars last year, but no way in deep-fried-stick-of-butter hell are you a size 6 and 130 pounds. You may be well on your way, thanks to your new 100 Days of Dance blog where you've been posting videos of yourself busting sweet moves every day since the New Year. And hey, we love that you're encouraging health -- but, c'mon. We have eyes. And they work.

And that's just fine, Kirstie, because we like you just the way you are. Back when you were thin, you were boring. Case in point: Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too, and Look Who's Talking Now. When you were skinny, you totally downplayed the fact that you joined a loony UFO cult. And do we have to mention the very unfunny Veronica's Closet? But ever since you re-emerged as the chunkilicious bean-bag goddess that you are, you're great. You delighted on Dancing With the Stars, amusingly screwed any kind of legitimacy Jenny Craig ever had, and poetically professed your love for Jamie Foxx. Really, what isn't there to love?

And though not quite as svelte as you claim to be, you have lost some weight, look great, and still maintain your very likable Krazy Kirstie personality. But that's not the case with some other celebrities who seem to lose charisma as they lose the chub. So here are our picks for five stars we liked better when they were fat. If we could send them all a doughnut-stuffed burrito wrapped in bacon and deep-fried in Crisco, we totally would.

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Kelly Osbourne
Kelly, really, you're not so bad. You're fun on Fashion Police. But sometimes, sometimes, you say shit that's mean-girlish. And icky. For example: your beef with the now somewhat-beefy Christina Aguilera. We get it -- she picked on you when you were a butterball. And if her music is any indication, her bullying was probably pretty painful. But poking fun at her on the regular for being fat now that you're thin comes off as petty. And petty verbal vengeance makes anybody look ugly, regardless of your dress size.

Can't you muster up some sympathy for her? Girlfriend just went through a divorce, is dating a production assistant, and thinks leggings are a suitable replacement for pants. She's a mess. Honestly, you don't really have to say anything. Xtina embarrasses herself. Just sit back, shut your trap, and remember what it was like when you were a big ol' pill-popping disaster.

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LeAnn Rimes
Hey, LeAnn, remember when you used to win Grammys and be a respectable singer and everything? What happened to that girl? Sure, she was a chubby little chipmunk, but she added something inspirational and enjoyable to the universe. Now you're nothing but an attention whore in a bikini who has something to prove to who the hell knows. Not to mention, you publicly stole a good-looking but good-for-nothing married dude with kids from his bimbo former wife -- then you rubbed all of it in said bimbo's face on Twitter. What the hell, girl? Think of the children. Just because their daddy sees dollar signs when he looks into your squinty, Falcor-esque eyes does not mean they won't need years of therapy. Now put on some clothes, eat a steak, and go record an album or something.

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1 comments
Mia139
Mia139 like.author.displayName 1 Like

This is so fantastic!

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