Forget the Puppy Bowl: Five Animal Showdowns We'd Rather See

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puppybowl.jpg
Animal Planet
"What's the Puppy Bowl," you reluctantly ask? It's Animal Planet exploiting a bunch of cute puppies and forcing them to play their own brand of football on national television on Super Bowl Sunday. Yes, it's a thing.

The fact that people even enjoy rugby's pussy little cousin football at all is suspect at best. But throwing puppies in the mix is something else entirely. The whole time you're thinking, "What are you doing, dog? Put down that football; you are a dog, you don't even have opposable thumbs." Plus, there's something about the juxtaposition of dogs and football which has us uneasy. (Blame Michael Vick.) Yet, this year marks Puppy Bowl VIII. Yes, this is its eighth year.

It got us thinking: What other animals can we pit against each other to perform human sports for our entertainment?

SiamEye.jpg
Flickr CC SiamEye
Picture this, but less third worldy.
Rooster MMA
Sure, some people will call it "cock fighting" and say it's illegal in the United States, but that's because they're short-sighted and don't realize that MMA has rules. It's not like we'd be sticking a couple of chickens in there and having a bunch of mustachioed Mexicans standing around waving pesos as the roosters peck away at each other. There will be weight classes, a referee (who is, admittedly, another rooster), and we'll put little padded beak guards on them. All these regulations will ensure that nothing is fowl.

It'll be amazing. We can have slutty hens walk around between each round holding up the round numbers like they do in boxing. We'll have a bunch of chickens sitting around as audience members. Then when one of the roosters whoops the other rooster's cloaca and he receives the title belt, he gets to watch us slaughter every fucking chicken there and eat them. That shit will toughen his ass up for the next fight.

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Flickr CC Pinana Senpai
Now pretend that's an Olympic-sized bucket.
Kitten 100m Swim
Like puppies, kittens are adorable. What would it be like to throw a bucket of them in a swimming pool and see which one comes out first? It sounds mean, we know, but think of how cute all their little distressed "mews" would sound! But wait -- it can't just be whichever one comes out first, because that wouldn't be 100m and we need to be fair. So when the kitty comes out we pick it up and throw it back in the pool. And as it gives you those big, pleading eyes which ask, "why?" we can have celebrity announcers comment on how cute a pool-full of kitties is.

Sponsored by PETA and a Korean restaurant, this event could be held during the summer Olympics. The winner of the event will go on to meet Michael Phelps, receive a lifetime supply of Fancy Feast, and not be euthanized in the animal shelter it was plucked from.

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