Five More Stupid Movies Based on Hasbro Toys
|You sunk my childhood!|
Then they came for Transformers, and we said nothing, because Michael Bay is unstoppable and anyway, Megan Fox is hot.
But then they came for Battleship, and we realized that soon, there would be no childhood experience left that hasn't been bastardized for fun and profit on the big screen.
The movie execs of the world have been pillaging our earliest memories for film premises for years, but the latest example -- Battleship, in which Liam Neeson, Rihanna, and Eric the vampire from True Blood battle an alien invasion -- is perhaps the most egregious. Were we playing with a defective game, or were there supposed to be extra-terrestrials raining from the sky as we called out "B-4! C-7!"
But hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em -- and maybe make some sweet cash in the process. So we'd like to pitch the following films based on other Hasbro toys. (Call us, Michael Bay.)
Genre: Epic action
Premise: In a world where population equals power, and power means world domination, six men will rise to dominate whole continents at a time. But in the game of war, there can be only one victor. Can you take ... the Risk?
Starring: Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Jet Li, Benicio del Toro, Ben Affleck, and Zoe Saldana as dictators. Directed by Jon Favreau. In a surprise twist, Bjork shows up halfway through the film, leading armies from the North Pole.
Premise: In a world filled with darkness, one scientist sees the light. In this highly stylized film reminiscent of Tron, Leonard Barnes pokes through the black construction paper barrier that envelopes his world and enters a whole new dimension of shiny plastic.
Starring: Josh Duhamel as Barnes; Scarlett Johansson as love interest Violet; Tilda Swinton as Queen of the Plastic Realm.