Five Tips For Surviving the Coming Contraceptive Apocalypse

spentpenny, Flickr

The devil's prescription

​It's hard out there for a loose lady.

Religious leaders and Republicans have once again joined forces against birth control, in in apparent effort to ensure heterosexuals across the land will forever fear unplanned pregnancies, or cease fornicating altogether.

Earlier this year, right-wingers put Planned Parenthood in jeopardy, and they're now making a stink about the requirement that all employers offer contraceptive coverage in Obama's Affordable Care Act. Meanwhile, Roman Catholic bishops have joined forces with leaders of other religions to protest Obama's plan. The holy men oppose any birth control that prevents pregnancy after fertilization, or as they call it, abortion. (Doctors deny that any birth control methods covered by the provision would actually cause a woman to abort, but whatevs.)

Considering this upheaval in women's and reproductive rights, the sexually proficient  women of Miami should start gearing up for a contraceptive apocalypse. Here's how to keep yourself from making babies when you make love, even after your trusty pill is outlawed by conservative clergymen's efforts.



Try Foster Friess' magic aspirin trick from the 1800s
The billionaire behind the Red, White and Blue Fund, a super PAC supporting Rick Santorum's presidential campaign, thinks birth control ain't no thang.

Friess said in an MSNBC interview on Thursday that back in his day, "they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn't that costly."

There you have it, ladies! Let's all forget our NuvaRings and stick to this one.

Harvard Medical Library

​The Rhythmeter
This one's church-approved, which makes a lot of sense: It's more of a family planning tool than straight-out birth control, plus it's difficult to use and older than your abuela. It's probably impossible to find, actually.

The effectiveness of the Rhythmeter (or the rhythm method in general) is debatable, especially because its creator, Dr. John C. Rock of Harvard Medical School, was all for the switch to hormonal methods. So for the sexually active gal who doesn't know the ways of her uterus, use of this tricky gadget could lead to sleepless nights peeing on sticks or hauling down flights of stairs. But hey -- it's a small price to pay for God's love, right?