Lewis Black Talks Big Boobs, Weed, and Masturbatoriums

Categories: Comedy
Lewis Black is a hilarious dude. And not just in his stand-up -- though as you'll see when he hits town for the South Beach Comedy Festival 2012 March 1st, he's hilarious on stage too. But he's also funny (and unexpectedly patient) in one-on-one conversation.

See, when we heard the perpetually frustrated Mr. Black was on his way to our fair city, it sounded like the perfect excuse to get him on the phone and ask him the stupidest questions we could think of.

The result: The guy is not an asshole. He can take a joke.

Read on for his opinion on everything from fake tits to hookers, weed, golden showers, killer cops, politicians, and crackwhores. Hell, we even made him swear in Spanish.

Cultist: You're signed to Stand Up Records right? We got a guy down here, Dave Williamson, who just recorded for them. What do you think about Dave?
Black: I'm signed to Comedy Central Records; I've recorded for Stand Up Records. I may know him, I may not. It's just, a lot of the times, new comics, I don't see them enough. I'm never around to see them. Even the ones that have been around for a number of years.

Do you smoke weed?
No. I used to when I was young. I smoked so much of it that it didn't work anymore.

You ever get high before a standup gig?
Probably twice in my life, and the second time taught me a big lesson, so that was that.

Cops here like to shoot people. Especially tourists. That shit is funny right?
(Laughs) Nah, that's not funny.

Why'd you laugh?
Cause you said, "Is that funny?" Unless shooting someone is a necessity it's absurd.

There was a true story here of a Miami Beach cop getting drunk at a bachelorette party at a hotel on South Beach, picking up a chick, taking her for a joyride on his ATV at sunrise with his headlights off, and running over a couple of tourists
Obviously he didn't have to pass too many tests to become a cop. Certainly the first one being common sense.

Did you hear the one about the transgender fake doctor who was pumping fix a flat implants into people's asses?

Yeah, I heard about that. You always wanna go to a surgeon who enlarges your breasts in a backroom, the filthiest room in the building, and has no expertise whatsoever. Really the most important thing in the world are bigger tits.

The mannequins on Lincoln Road have huge tits...

Speaking of big tits, the thing that always amazes me down there in Miami is how skinny the women are. I can't fathom the diet. I can't think that weight is healthy.

We got a lot of girls down here we call thick too.

Yeah, true, but there's a lot of freakishly skinny girls in Miami. I like girls that have something. You don't wanna feel like they're gonna break because they haven't had enough milk in 40 or 20 years.

So is it 40-year-old or 20-year-old girls that you like to fuck?

Anybody that's actually interested helps. If there are signs of interest I'm happy.

Location Info


The Fillmore Miami Beach

1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL

Category: Music

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