Car Date's Lacy Burke Uses "Mind Control" to Make Women Sleep With Him
If I had to pick a joke to use on a girl I'm chatting up at a bar, I wouldn't go with "Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny!" (Though that is a solid gem of a joke. You're welcome.) I would go with, "HAY GURL, HOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? TRICK QUESTION -- FEMINISTS CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING." Yes, I'd figure out a way to speak in caps lock without yelling, because that's what top gun lady-seducers (read: jerks) do.
The film Car Date aims to show you how to be that guy. With the slogan "Gain their trust. Control their mind. Take what you want," the movie claims to turn you into a lady-brainwashing machine. After watching it, though, I'm pretty sure it's more like, "How to talk to two hookers knowingly participating in a documentary." But hey, if the last time you got some ass was when your finger poked through the toilet paper, maybe you should read on.
Lacy Burke (the porniest name since Putta Dickinmyass) directs, narrates, and stars in this moderately short film. The film's website repeatedly describes what Burke does as "mind control," which is wildly inaccurate; these tactics are simple exploitation of human psychology. Mind control is what Professor X and Fox News do. What's exhibited in this movie is, at best, guiding someone to an expected result based on tailored actions designed to elicit a specific response. It's the kind of thing done by scientists, interrogators, and sociopaths.
Upon further inspection of his website, I read multiple accounts about how Burke is an asshole. I tested it out myself by emailing him and mocking his film before having even seen it. He responded the way an asshole would -- by telling me I need to get pussy. Then he said he'll mail me a check for $4 to use at Taco Bell. That was enough to get me to watch his film, because what's better than watching an asshole be an asshole on TV?
But as it turns out, there was a distinct lack of dickery in the movie. I expected him to go from Lou Diamond Phillips to Lewd Diamond Phillips. (Fuck, that's an outdated reference.)
The general style of the movie involves the camera constantly pointing at the two subjects, who are porn actresses/prostit--I mean, escorts who were misled into agreeing to be on a pilot for a dating TV show. Lying is the best way to start a relationship, everybody knows that. There's a blonde named Victoria and a brunette bag of shut-the-fuck-up named Charlie. Since this is a guide on how to get laid for the everyday man, using two girls who are literally paid to have sex in both of their professions might not have been the best idea. (Unless you believe the locker room talk at LA Fitness, in which every guy is always banging two girls at once.) The two-on-one setup in itself is a direct flaw in the film's premise, but it can be excused because Lacy isn't showing you how to comport yourself on a date with two women. He's showing you how to pick up a woman when she's not alone. In other words, Car Date's supposed to be a pickup guide.
There are a lot of self-described pickup artists out there. One I'm familiar with is a gentleman named "Mystery." He is memorable because he looks like the aging portrait Criss Angel has stashed in an attic that lets him remain so youthful. (That's a great reference, by the way. Read a book.)
Mystery had a show on VH1 in which he and his crew of similarly garishly-dressed dudes trained a bunch of nerds to hit on women. Lacy's guide clashes with Mystery's methodology in several ways. Mystery likes to stay away from compliments, or at least give them as "negs" (a backhanded compliment); Lacy, however, spent a good portion of his date complimenting Victoria and Charlie. Mystery says, "Don't buy women drinks"; Lacy bought drinks, roses, a stuffed animal, and food from In-N-Out for each of his ladies. (Which is hardly fair -- Lacy, I will fuck you for those goddamn burgers.) Mystery states you shouldn't give women control, only the illusion of control; Lacy goes on to basically let the girls pick out the whole damn date.