Six Stupid Viral Trends That Are Bad For You

Categories: Culture
Enough already.
Oh em gee, you guys. Guess what we just found. A bacon-flavored candy necklace! Isn't that great? It's so terribly hip and ironic and just what the world needs!

Wrong. Beyond wrong, actually. For us, this candy necklace is the last straw. In recent years, the tastemakers of the world have elevated ordinary products like bacon to viral trend status, adorning or infusing damn near everything with the stuff. Bacon lip gloss? Check. Bacon band-aids? Check. Bacon-flavored lube? Checkitty check check check.

It's not that we don't like bacon. We just can't stand the smug, ironic hipness of it all. And it goes way beyond cured pig meat -- from cupcakes to ninjas to toast, hipsters have nonsensically embraced a slew of objects of idolatry lately.

We know we won't change any minds just by calling this behavior stupid. (Though it is. It really, really is.) So we're making a different, equally valid case: Surrounding yourself with these viral trends is hazardous to your health. And here's why.

J & D's
Let's start with our primary offender. You cannot get away from it. There's probably a bacon-related object within 10 ft. of you at this very moment. You think you're acting like Ron Swanson; you're actually just acting like an asshole.
Why it's bad for you: It's bacon. Excess consumption will clog your arteries and make you obese. Plus, smelling like bacon will make you desirable to hoards of obese, heart-diseased people. Do you really want a bunch of chubby admirers lovingly gnawing on your shoulders?

Let us spell it out for you: You will never, ever be as awesome as Ron Swanson. And trying to be that awesome by growing a smarmy mustache actually counts as a step in the opposite direction. You also don't need mustaches on your mugs, your straws, or tattooed on your fingers.
Why it's bad for you: If your mustache is thick and bushy, it's almost certainly teeming with bacteria. If it's thin and wispy, you look like a pedophile, and if you ever end up in a lineup, the victim's totally going to call your number.



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