A Pair of Nuts Has a Bone to Pick with Us

Categories: Comedy
nuts.jpg
Osiris Ramirez Photography
Hey, listen: we're busy people. Between recapping Basketball Wives episodes and learning our ABCs, the truly important stories slip right through our fingers sometimes.

Miami natives, Yamil Piedra and Johnny Trabanco (collectively, A Pair of Nuts) were featured at last weekend's South Beach Comedy Festival. They deserve quite a bit of credit for what they've accomplished outside of Miami (winning Emmys and such), yet the virtual pages of Cultist made no note of recognition for them.

Oops.

We wanted to make up for the dead air on these guys. So, we sought out an interview hoping to drag out that notoriously nutty charm; along with a promise that their big moments won't go unreported again.

New Times: Feel free to use this space to tell us how much we suck for not giving you guys any coverage for the South Beach Comedy Festival.

Piedra: The New Times has shown us much love throughout the years, but they seemed to have forgotten all about us when it counted most. It's very hurtful.

Trabanco: Whatever, so we closed out the South Beach Comedy Festival which is a Comedy Central event that includes the biggest names in comedy. No biggie.

Piedra: We'll tell you who didn't forget though, every other media outlet in Miami! The only thing that can repair our broken hearts is a cover story with a 2 to 4 page spread and complimentary Slurpees.

What did you think of Rob Delaney's kinda messed up tweets about Miami? ("So far Miami reminds me of a sweltering open-air morgue. Like if Bosch's hands had been eaten by an alligator & he had to paint w/ his feet."; "Judging by the people on my flight, Miami is a giant asshole magnet.")

Piedra: That sounds about right. However, in Miami's defense, those assholes were coming from LA.

Trabanco: But most people in Miami drive like assholes.

Piedra: So everyone is an asshole.

We think it would be great if local farmers took your "The Organic Medley" video seriously as a PSA for veggies. Speaking of which, when will Gayo be sold in South Beach bodegas?

Trabanco: We think The Organic Medley could be a very useful video for the organic food community.

Piedra: Help spread the word about organic food while making others feel incredibly uncomfortable. In regards to Gayo being sold, we've actually been looking for a company to make it and bottle it, but no such luck so far.

Trabanco: We think it would make a great novelty gift. How awesome would it be to get a bottle of Gayo as a gift?

Piedra: If anybody has any contacts in the condiment/bottling/novelty industry, shoot the Nuts an email... info@nutscomedy.com. Let's make real Gayo happen!

What would your rapper and/or porn names be?

Piedra: We wouldn't have either. We suck at rapping and our bodies are too awkward for porn.

Tranbanco: Ron Jeremy made a living off of his awkward body though.

Piedra: That's true. We should do awkward body porn.

Trabanco: We can call ourselves A Pair of Nuts.

Piedra: Perfect!

George Carlin's corpse, Richard Pryor's ghost, or the zombie of Eddie Murphy?

Piedra: I'd fuck George Carlin's corpse, marry Richard Pryor's ghost, and kill the zombie of Eddie Murphy.

Trabanco: I don't think that's what he meant.

Piedra: Oh.

Short word association.

Kumquat
Piedra: Your mother.

Hyperventilate
Trabanco: Settle down bitch.

Bindle
Piedra: What's in there anyway? (Yes, I had to Google bindle.)

Pajilla
Trabanco: Several times a week. Twice on Sundays.

Who takes the inner spoon when you're on the road together?

Piedra: I'm the bigger of the Nuts, so I have more coverage ability.

Trabanco: He keeps me nice and warm.

Piedra: Johnny puts the air conditioner on "I" for inconsiderate. It's almost always snowing in our hotel room, so really it should be the other way around.

Trabanco: I'm like a little bear, so I have plenty of hair to keep me warm in below freezing temperatures.

Piedra: He doesn't give a damn about me getting hypothermia in the hotel room. He's a dick.

Visit their site for more of their nutty shenanigans.

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2 comments
Tango48
Tango48

Even on print u guys are funny. Que viva los nuts!!!

Elizabeth Rodriguez
Elizabeth Rodriguez

I love me some nuts. In my peanut butter, at a baseball game, in and around my mouth, but mostly - ON STAGE. I've known these funny fools for a long time and am very proud of everything they've done and all the special moments I've shared with them. I'm also hoping that by figuratively blowing them, I can tour with them permanently and reap the benefits of their hard work. Lastly, I did speak to a lady at Kraft once when I called to complain about a bad batch of mustard. It's about time I call in a favor (wink wink). Keep up the great work!

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