The Five Most Annoying Things About Miami

Categories: Lists
shit-miami-girls-say-2.jpg
Shit Miami Girls Say
Whatever she's saying, it involves "dale."
Every city in the world has things that piss its residents off. New York has its impossible real estate market. Los Angeles has the smog. Paris has all those damn French people.

Miami is no different. Hell, we're the most dominant city in a state constantly making headlines for stupid shit like "Bush gets elected because one state can't count." Spain has been secretly high-fiving itself for ceding Florida two centuries ago. That's not to say Florida is terrible or anything -- it has a number of redeeming qualities, like, water, and stuff.

Cultist loves Miami. Still, it's healthy to air your grievances. So we're going to list this town's most annoying qualities with zero regard to relevance or qualification -- exactly how the Republicans field candidates these days.

pitbull-dale.jpg
Adam Bielawski, Wikipedia CC
5. "Dale"
Stop it. FUCKING STOP IT RIGHT NOW. In addition to making music, Pitbull has done a lot of other harmful things to human society. Introducing "dale" to the mainstream Miami lexicon is one of those egregious lapses in judgment.

In the 13th century, Genghis Khan raped and pillaged 1/3 of the planet. It's estimated that roughly 0.5% of the world's population is a descendent of Khan, which goes to show his utter rampaging of the lands. He killed millions and conquered enough geography to make Alexander the Great shit his skirt.

We'd rather go back in time and poke him with a stick repeatedly than hear anyone say "dale" ever again.

4. Homeless people with elaborate stories / Homeless "I'll watch your car" guys
If you've ever walked around downtown for more than 20 seconds you've probably encountered someone who comes up to you and gives you one of these: "Hey, you speak English?" It starts out innocently enough until you realize he hasn't showered since Lindsay Lohan was hot. Then he follows up some bullshit sob story which he precedes with, "I'm not going to ask you for money, I swear," right before asking you for money.

In the same vein, the guys who will "watch your car" for you in the shadier areas of Miami. They give you no guarantee that they'll stop any sort of crime in progress, only that they'll watch it go down and probably leave before you suspect them.

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67 comments
cuervopastorizza
cuervopastorizza

the most annoying thing in Miami are the FU&^%^* Cubans!

swindlers, thugs, criminals, fraud, theft system that's what they are and what they do.!

3rd world city because of the cubans...


OMG! who was the idiot who made that wet foot law?

Marc Miwords
Marc Miwords

The only thing you got right was the shitty drivers and that should have been #1. The rest of it was a fricken waste of time. If you want to talk about the top 5 things that make Miami bad, you should stop being such a p**sy about it and actually write a decent article. All you did was prove another of the top 5: "People in Miami are lazy assholes who have no work ethic and churn out minimal productivity using the least amount of effort they can. And want $20 an hour for it."

Katherine Berry
Katherine Berry

"I hope you walk in on your father masturbating to your baby photos" HILARIOUS!

Jeremy Albelda
Jeremy Albelda

I don't know what's worse, that I'm white and from Philadelphia and now say "Supposably" and don't even mean to, or that I haven't used a turn signal in five years.  Damn you Miami, you sucked the good American out of me, damn you.

Ronald Baez
Ronald Baez

Being born and raised in Miami, I have to say, I love you for what you did there!!!!  : )

Bennett Joseph
Bennett Joseph

"It's someone randomly coming up to you and yelling in your ear about how they'll pay you for your shitty car, then walking away. Then he comes back later with a fake mustache and a different accent and yells the same thing." LOLOLOLOLOL

Krs Coupe
Krs Coupe

Learn some fuckin english! I dont care where u from. If u lived 20 yrs in the us at least make the effort to speak a little english. This whole "we speak spanish in miami" is supreme bullshit! Oh and pitbull shouldn t be near any microphone or studio like forever

Johnsmith
Johnsmith

How about whomever likes or loves Miami stays and whomever does not....gets ZEE FOCK out o' here?!  Me no peekee inglis to bery good! 

...just sayin' though...what had happened is was....

Little Havana
Little Havana

#1 most annoying thing about Miami:

Miami New Times annoying Liberal, socialist, Fidel Castroass kissing writers.

Andres Velasco y Coll
Andres Velasco y Coll

I recently replied to a COMPRO CARROS message with "Please die in a freak boating accident." Dale.

Brandt A.
Brandt A.

#1 - I wasn't going to dismiss this article if this wasn't mentioned. You would think that Google Voice numbers would be protected from these text messages - NOPE. And don't think they stop at text messages - I've seen signs with the exact same message. Here's the proof: http://goo.gl/Pjwei

Loresparling
Loresparling

All in all, still living here. All that annoying stuff..,.not that annoying

Yani Fernandez
Yani Fernandez

Dale! I love it soo funny! Great article and on point...

icemarbles
icemarbles

That "Dale" shit needs to die in a fire. Even more annoying are the chicks with raspy voices that sound like guys. You'll hear them all over Hialeah talking about their first world problems.

stp
stp

what the hell does Genghis Khan has to do with anything? I get the point he's trying to make though but those analogies are too much

Sue
Sue

Bro, you're super angry. 

Minilulu05
Minilulu05

Miami should become another country. People in Miami should speak English. To all the drivers go back to driving school and don't pay your way to passing.

yummy
yummy

Big B small C girl has some amazing knockers.  Anyone else agree?

wow
wow

too bad that the quack that wrote this article is just as annoying

UhOh
UhOh

Cubans. 

Jazzanova
Jazzanova

#5 is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Kaydsb1f14
Kaydsb1f14

I would add two things to the list. 1) the fact that you can be qualified to be hired for a job with out speaking English. 2) the road construction on the 826 that never ends. 

Johnsmith
Johnsmith

....."bullshit, bullshit, bullshit" ... "LIKE FOREVER" ????????????????????  LIKE, WTF DUDE?

Krs Coupe
Krs Coupe

Ok now im sure u are an idiot who is missing the point.

Fresco01
Fresco01

What does Castro have to do with anything? I agree with Guillen

Ronald Baez
Ronald Baez

Are you a socialist too? I wonder because you seem interested in their literature, apparently.

Ronald Baez
Ronald Baez

That's a founded, well executed thought you got there

futbol fan
futbol fan

Here is yet another example of an annoying thing that mostly Miamians say... IRREGARDLESS

thailand
thailand

Why the hell would anyone even need English in Miami?  Spanish first guys.  Get back Rosetta Stone gringos.

Fresco01
Fresco01

That's right, english is a second language here in Miami...quit ur crying and learn it pendejos!!

MiYamisuxmostofthetime
MiYamisuxmostofthetime

 When I first moved to Miami, I couldn't get work because I was in the lovely Spanish-speaking community of Sweetwater and completely gringa.  Then, I found an awesome job (all hail FIU) and learned Spanish.  BOUYA!  English first bros

Gabriel San Roman
Gabriel San Roman

It's been said a million times by a million different people but this is America and people need to speak the primary language in this country. Which is of course English.

If you don't bother to learn the countries language then you're straight up ignorant and lazy.

Kaydsb1f14
Kaydsb1f14

when someone can't get hired because they don't speak spanish, but gets hired when they ONLY speak spanish, there's problem. We may joke, but this is not northern cuban, its still the US with plenty of english speakers. When you can't do your job properly because they can't communicate with all customers, its a problem.

Marc Miwords
Marc Miwords

 He didn't say, "official" language, idiot.  He said, "primary" and English IS the primary language in this country. And he's right.

Fresco01
Fresco01

Ignorant? you're talking about yourself...America is a continent, not a country.

Ronald Baez
Ronald Baez

Anyone who has a naturalized family member knows that you don't necessarily have to speak English to become an American citizen, despite that. Abuela can't tell "car" from "cat", but home-girl's been rockin' a US passport for a decade now.

Andres Velasco y Coll
Andres Velasco y Coll

You're thinking of the United States of America, which is not actually America.

Listen
Listen

It's not called America

Kaydsb1f14
Kaydsb1f14

good point. however, when the citizenship test requires knowledge of the English language, it should tell people something about its priority over other languages.

Ernesto.
Ernesto.

Go back to school and learn to write English Dammettttttt !  God I'm so tired of this.----- ENGLISHHHHHHH -. APRENDE A ESCRIBIRLO, HABLARLO Y LEERLO !!!!!   or move back to your country .  If I had to learn English when I arrived  to  Chicago  from another country--- so should you !!!   You see  the word English has a capital E at the beginning. Can anyone tell me why ?????  I will tell you because I can write in Englishhhhh  and most people in MIA don't .Really and how does knowing English get you around in Miami ? you idiot!  A car is used for that.

 By the way I'm Latin and NO -- I will not get use to it. Immigrants should adjust to our country not us to them. And if you don't like it go back I will get you a raft my self. FYI, I attended a university in Latin america and I didn't expect  the people there to learn my language.  You know what I did ---  I adjusted. 

Andres Velasco y Coll
Andres Velasco y Coll

Yes, of course! How could I not have realized that? Your argument is so coherent and well-thought out. I bow to your superior capability of reasoning and civility.

Alternatively, realize that the United States has an incredibly high percentage of people who have immigrated from Spanish-speaking countries, is primarily and principally a melting-pot immigrant society, and that being able to speak the language can sometimes be a requirement for a job, especially in a place with a high concentration of Spanish speakers such as Miami.

If it irritates you so, there are other places outside of Miami that you can seek employment in. Alternatively, you can learn Spanish.

Amandateresa8
Amandateresa8

It's people like YOU that give Miami the reputation it has. You're a biased enabler.

Fresco01
Fresco01

It's not northern Cuba, it's Latin America. Vaya a la escuela y aprenda espa~ol zoquete!

Ronald Baez
Ronald Baez

Businesses decide their necessities. If they want to hire people who only have one foot, that's their problem. I suggest if you don't want to work for a company who only hires Spanish speakers, you probably should just not work for a company who only hires Spanish speakers. That might solve your nationalistic dilemma right there, bud.

Tropic123
Tropic123

When someone can't get hired because they don't speak Spanish, but gets hired when they ONLY speak Spanish is because speaking English in Miami is not crucial regardless of the fact that Miami is part of the United States.   It's not where it is but who lives in it. And YES culturally, Miami is Northern Cuba or Northern Latin America and NO we don't need English to get around.  People should learn from Canadians and start getting use to the thought of having two official languages.

Andres Velasco y Coll
Andres Velasco y Coll

Or the job requires you to speak Spanish. Deal with it, it's a job requirement. You don't get mad because a job requires you to have a skill you don't have when you meet other requirements, why is it a problem when it's a language you can't speak?

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