The Five Most Annoying Things About Miami
Categories: Lists
3. Miami drivers
Whenever you're speaking with someone from out of town and they bring up how terrible their city's traffic is and how they "must have the worst drivers imaginable," you probably want to shoot them with your Unfounded Hyperbole Gun. Miami has, unequivocally, the worst drivers in the United States. Outside the U.S. is a different story, because we've heard reports that third world countries don't have traffic laws, they have traffic "suggestions" and that their traffic signs are merely "ironic hipster placards."
The turn signal is Fidelista shit around here; the passing lane is communist help-thy-neighbor malarkey; and people earn points on their license like they stock up on credit card airline miles. While we may not hold the record for commute times in traffic, we sure as hell monopolize the "Jesus-tittyfucking-Christ monkey balls, I want to murder that son of a bitch blocking the intersection and refusing to make eye contact with me so I can give him the 'you fucked up' stare."
2. Quoting the "Shit Miami says" videos
Yes, it was funny, and yes, it was pretty on point. Still, that's no excuse to ask for the cheapest pink wine and then laugh incessantly about it and ask everyone at the table if they watched it. Pulling out your phone and showing everyone a video at the dinner table only makes it worse. Exclaiming that it's, like, suuuuper funny as some sort of meta joke within a joke makes us want to vomit glass and listen to Fat Joe order a pizza.
If you want to bring it up, just ask if they've ever seen it. If the answer is no, tell them to. If the answer is yes, don't quote every line (and butcher it in the process.)
1. "COMPRO CARROS" text messages
No one likes spam. Anyone who falls for these spam texts is a complete buffoon, and you can't really report them since they bust out with a new number each time they text. Think about what this is like: It's someone randomly coming up to you and yelling in your ear about how they'll pay you for your shitty car, then walking away. Then he comes back later with a fake mustache and a different accent and yells the same thing. We're not really sure where they're harvesting these phone numbers from, but they blatantly disregard the federal Do Not Call registry.
But our water, dude? Really nice.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
Whenever you're speaking with someone from out of town and they bring up how terrible their city's traffic is and how they "must have the worst drivers imaginable," you probably want to shoot them with your Unfounded Hyperbole Gun. Miami has, unequivocally, the worst drivers in the United States. Outside the U.S. is a different story, because we've heard reports that third world countries don't have traffic laws, they have traffic "suggestions" and that their traffic signs are merely "ironic hipster placards."
The turn signal is Fidelista shit around here; the passing lane is communist help-thy-neighbor malarkey; and people earn points on their license like they stock up on credit card airline miles. While we may not hold the record for commute times in traffic, we sure as hell monopolize the "Jesus-tittyfucking-Christ monkey balls, I want to murder that son of a bitch blocking the intersection and refusing to make eye contact with me so I can give him the 'you fucked up' stare."
2. Quoting the "Shit Miami says" videos
Yes, it was funny, and yes, it was pretty on point. Still, that's no excuse to ask for the cheapest pink wine and then laugh incessantly about it and ask everyone at the table if they watched it. Pulling out your phone and showing everyone a video at the dinner table only makes it worse. Exclaiming that it's, like, suuuuper funny as some sort of meta joke within a joke makes us want to vomit glass and listen to Fat Joe order a pizza.
If you want to bring it up, just ask if they've ever seen it. If the answer is no, tell them to. If the answer is yes, don't quote every line (and butcher it in the process.)
1. "COMPRO CARROS" text messages
No one likes spam. Anyone who falls for these spam texts is a complete buffoon, and you can't really report them since they bust out with a new number each time they text. Think about what this is like: It's someone randomly coming up to you and yelling in your ear about how they'll pay you for your shitty car, then walking away. Then he comes back later with a fake mustache and a different accent and yells the same thing. We're not really sure where they're harvesting these phone numbers from, but they blatantly disregard the federal Do Not Call registry.
But our water, dude? Really nice.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
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