Inside the Braco Experience: Faith, Convulsions, and a Whole Lot of Snake Oil

Braco.net

I'm healed.

In an age where things like evidence-based medicine and rigorous clinical trials reign supreme, we need something that works. The man known as "European phenomenon" Braco (pronounced Brah-tso) claims to fill that void with the mystical energy of his silent staring.

No, really.

It was one of the most hilarious things I'd ever heard, so I had to try it.

Recently, I was in Mexico. I brought my sister a bottle of tequila, my friend a hand-crafted pipe, and myself an explosive case of diarrhea. I don't know about you, but I generally dislike peeing out of my butthole, so finding a way to heal this sort of thing was paramount to me. Then I was told about Braco, the Croatian wunderkind who heals by merely looking at you, and two things immediately came into my head: "Hahaha, what in the actual fuck?" and "Miami must know about this $8 placebo."

The basic idea is this: Braco can solve your problems by having you look into his eyes. If that's not mind-blowing enough, according to his web site, "People can bring photos of loved ones or children to gazing sessions and find help for them." Not only does this guy have the power to transfer healing waves to you through his eyes, he can also do it through a photographic medium. Isn't that convenient amazing? The only rules are that you must be 18 years or older, pay the $8 entry fee, and you can't be pregnant. Fetal exposure to Braco is known to cause developmental problems, presumably as the mother's "moron genes" are amplified during gazing sessions.

Armed with the knowledge of what to expect, I asked my girlfriend to accompany me. She decided to see if Braco's healing powers extend into the animal kingdom by taking along a photo of her cat, General Catface Meowmers. (The General, much like civilian cats, occasionally suffers from being a selfish little bitch.) I decided to take a photo of superstar actor Dustin Diamond. I heard he's been down on his luck, so perhaps Braco can stare him back onto network television.

DustinDiamond.com

The photo I used.

When we arrived at the Miami Beach Convention Center, there were signs pointing the way to the junior hall. Volunteers scanned our tickets, and led us into silent salvation. In the corresponding convention hall, we saw a rows of chairs, and as we were escorted to our seats by the most Portland-like hippie I've ever seen in my life, I used my personal gift of staring to quickly count how many people were in attendance. By counting rows and columns of filled seats, I counted 98 people. Let's just round that up to 100. Later you'll see why I wanted to know how many people showed up.

Anyway, there were people of all types. Young and old, black and white, friendly and Republican -- all types. Before showing up, I had planned to belittle all the others who went, because quite frankly this Braco thing is the stupidest nonsense I've ever heard since Adam Levine's music. However, once I saw everyone, I realized they're just regular people desperate for answers -- not much different than those who go to church. Well, it's a little different, considering there's a 5'8" Croatian who looks like a store manager at TJ Maxx just silently staring at you, but the general faith principle is the same.