Dancing With The Stars Week Seven: Lady Gaga, Vampires, and Other Classics

Is this the week where Roshon becomes a man?
It was only a matter of time until Gladys Knight's charming yet awkward run on Dancing With The Stars came to an end. Like an older relative on a social network, it started cute, then became sad, then morbidly fascinating, and finally unbearable until we hit the proverbial "hide posts" button, praying that they won't ask why we never 'like' their statuses at Thanksgiving.

Don't feel bad, Gladys! Having a dance off with child actor Roshon Fegan is just one high point in your illustrious career. Never mind the past, though, we have Classical Week on DWTS to dive into!

Katherine Jenkins and Mark started the evening with a rumba. Classical music is right up Katherine's alley, as is being impossibly attractive. Mark reminds us that we can't spell classical without "ass." You also can't spell 'jackass' without it either, dude. But maybe we're just hating because he went in for a deep mouth kiss at the end of the dance and didn't have his advances spurned while everyone else in junior high mocked him and his visible erection. They get a 27.

Melissa Gilbert and Maks followed with an Argentine tango. Maks has a cyst in his ankle and debates pulling out and allowing his brother to finish, a scenario we're sure brings back memories of Melissa's wilder days in the '80s. Maks decides to go for it and it's terrible! That's what you get for trying. The judges award them a 21.

William Levy and Cheryl waltzed to "Ave Maria." William reminds us that he isn't a "classical" guy, having been raised in Cuba. And his ankle is acting up, probably as a result of trying to reign in his smoldering sexuality. All the worrying is for naught as they perform a beautiful dance surrounded by more dry ice and fog than a mid level prog rock concert. They score a respectable 27.

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie tangoed to classical standby "Bad Romance." Wait, what? Are there not more than six classical songs? For some reason Roshon is having problems feeling masculine doing the tango to a Lady Gaga song. And yet they manage to get a 25. You'll be a man in no time, Roshon! May we suggest being surly and drinking to excess?

Donald Driver and Peta performed a waltz. The best way to describe the couple's costume is if a person tried to describe Downton Abbey to someone who has never seen Downton Abbey, and that person is also Prince. They get a 27, perhaps because the opera singing reminded the judges of those funny Bugs Bunny cartoons. Merry Melodies indeed!

Maria Menounos and Derek paso doble'd perfectly. The producers try to psych us out by making the practice seem like a disaster. But we knew better. 30 points! The first perfect score of the year. You take that score and rub it in Mario Lopez's face, Maria! Then make fun of him for that "The View for Men" show he was on with Danny Bonaduce.

Jaleel White and Kym finished the solo dances with a waltz. Their segment was pretty boring, so we're going to talk more about Maria and Derek. They put on vampire fangs. Sure, it was perfect, but wouldn't it have been better if they danced to Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"? Shouldn't DWTS do a Billy Corgan week? Jaleel and Kym get a 24.

And we end the show with the group dancing competition. Team Tango (Maria and Derek, Katherine and Mark, Roshon and Chelsie, Jaleel and Kym) scored a 27 while Team Paso Doble (Donald and Peta, Maria and Derek, William and Cheryl) scored a 26. Oooh, we bet that extra point will mean so much in this competition that is still primarily determined by fan vote!

Melissa Gilbert and Maks have to be gone this week. Did you know that Maks is short for Maksim? We're just going to let you marinate on that one. See you next week!

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