Pepe Billete's Guide to Improving Memorial Day Weekend

Categories: Comedy, Culture
pepe_brito_tits.jpg
Memorial Day is just around the corner, and as usual, Miami looks more like it's preparing for a category five hurricane than a holiday celebration. The mass exodus of island residents is well underway, and it's making the Mariel Boatlift look as puny as an Occupy Miami rally.

But it doesn't have to be this way. If Miami -- its officials, its cops, and yes, its locals -- would stop acting like a bunch of comunistas, we could potentially turn this annual bayu into the best weekend of the year.

As a loyal supporter of la singuetta and all things 305, I would like to offer this simple plan of action to the powers that be on Miami Beach for dealing with future Memorial Day gatherings.

pepe_crowds.jpg
Ivon David Rojas
Embrace the Crowds
Speak favorably about "Urban Beach Week" to any local and the conversation becomes more awkward than introducing your black boyfriend to your racist abuela. Most Miamians believe that South Beach during Memorial Day is scarier than an unexpected deo en el culo. This weekend has a stigma for sure, but there is no reason to be scared. Urban Beach Week is no more dangerous than any other massive gathering of drunk comepingas. Yes, there are sapingos that show up and act how sapingos typically do, pero pa eso se invento la pata por culo. Fearing the beast only fuels its fire y Miami no le tiene miedo a nada, cojones! Not everyone coming to Miami this weekend is, or should be treated like, a dangerous criminal. Actually, 100 percent of the people coming to Urban Beach Week are dudes and chicks con tremendas ganas de singar y joder -- a prospect that I support completely.

PLP con el Racismo
El despingue nuclear that happens every year on Memorial Day has absolutely nothing to do with being black and everything to do with la chusmeria. It's los comemierdas que se piensan los guapos que le cagan la fiesta a los de mas, and those assholes come in every color. Coño, stop blaming everything on black people. Me estan jodiendo la muela con la morenita que vive al lado. Besides, everybody knows that there is nothing better in this world than una tortilla con dos morenas culonas! Baya, se me paro. Que rico, meng!

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49 comments
agua
agua

Cuban also use rabo . (Dick ) like no se te para el rabo . Also tocate el nabo.

agua
agua

Funny ! Se formo el bayu ! We need to support 305 . PLP. We r the best !!!

agua
agua

Love it pepe !!!

Gabii
Gabii

Like always, Miami NewTimes publishes GARBAGE.

Correction, Bichon is not a dick to Nicaraguans, but pussy (I'm Nica). Also, the word Rabo is translated into dick...even i know that.

Sunny8
Sunny8

All joking aside, you make sense....love Pepe Billete!

Aavaras
Aavaras

Tight work, Bille. Entertaining read and it makes more sense to roll out the red carpet than to be in comemierda about the economic boost. I had one of the best weekends this week 10 years ago con una borinegra loca from NYC. PLP!

Christina Marrero
Christina Marrero

one of the funniest articles ive read it a while.... and i actually agree lol

TheJenn.
TheJenn.

Loving this! A lot of truths written here. Cant wait to see what you'll do next

Isaias
Isaias

Pepe you should petition yourself to run this! Youve become an icon for the 305. Call it PLP memorial day weekend. Great article.

carlos s
carlos s

oye jay lee vplp you hating ass come mierda.. hes actually using insightful suggestions and backing them up with facts.. so shut up and apoya

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

TRANSLATIONS - IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE

Comunistas – communists

Bayu – raucus party

La singuetta – f**kfest

Abuela – grandma

Deo en el culo – finger inyour arse

Comepingas – d**kheads

Sapingos – d**kheads

Pero pa eso se invento lapata por el culo – that’s why a kick in the ass was invented

Y Miami no le tiene miedo anada, cojones – and Miami isn’t afraid of anything dammit

Con tremendas ganas de singary joder – with a major urge to get drunk and screw

El despingue nuclear – thenuclear clusterf**k

La chusmeria – low-class scumbehavior

Los comermierdas que sepiensan los guapos que le cagan la fiesta a los de mas – the d**kheads whothink they’re tough and screw the party up for the rest of us

Coño – no translation…it’slike “sh*t, f**k and daaaayum” but not quite as colorful as “coño”

Me estan jodiendo la muelacon la morenita que vive al lado – you’re killing my game with the dark-skinnedcutie next door

Una tortilla con dos morenasculonas! Baya, se me paro. Que rico, meng – a big-butt black lesbian ommelette!Yooo…I got hard, how delicious bro.

Caballero – gentlemen

Bofe – buffoon

La porqueria – the garbage

Pa que tu veas – so you cansee

Tremendo mojon – an epic turd

Apreta las nalgas, yaprovecha el billete que – tighten your cheeks and take advantage of the moneybecause…

Peste a grajo – nastyunderarm funk

Sacandose el rabo pa meardonde quiera – pulling out your butt and peeing wherever

Te voy a reventar la cara –I’m gonna split your face open

Coño mira que tetas mas rica– Wow look at those delicious titties

Cuando se la estas clavando alos – when you’re sticking it to your

Coño,el tipo – sh*t, the guy

Conganas de joder – in the mood to party

Nalgas– butt cheeks

Hijosde puta – sons of bitches

Casadel coño de su madre – no translation, means to go away, real far…and insultingyour mother all at the same time

Comemierdas.– see above

Coñopor el amor de dios, que los Dolphins no sirven pa nada! – Dammit, for the loveof god, because the Dolphins are useless.

Jeff Gonzalez
Jeff Gonzalez

Excellent translations! I just have one comment... On this one:

Sacandose el rabo pa mear donde quiera.... I would translate it to... – pulling out your d&#$ and peeing wherever.

"rabo", while it translate to "butt" in spanish, is also slang for D#$k.

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

Yeah but I'm doing direct translations...and "rabo" is an always will be a butt...if he meant to say d**k, he would have used Pinga, morronga o huevo. my 2 cents ;P

agua
agua

Huevo means cojones.

agua
agua

You got it ! A Cuban know best

agua
agua

LOL ! I'm loving this !!!

A_Constant_Reader
A_Constant_Reader

Diego, thanks for a tremendous public service.  Te la comiste.  But you're wrong about rabo.  In this context "sacarce el rabo" is to take out your dick.  No question about it.  

You're not right.
You're not right.

 Shocking how words can mean different things in different contexts.

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

 LMAO, I'm half-cuban, so that makes me half-right! Who the F cares?!?!?! Fine, Rabo is a cock, now go order a Rabo encendido and enjoy munching on your morronga!

You're not right.
You're not right.

 Called out by four people, and still unable to admit that rabo clearly means dick in this context. Are you Cuban? Because in Cuban Spanish, rabo is a slang term for penis -- it resembles a tail in that it is a long and thin appendage. Hence, rabo. Can't spell it out any more clearly for you.

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

 fo' real....If any of the dialect nazis don't like my translations they can take the time and provide their own.

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

 I respectfully disagree, in order for women to pee, they must, in fact, take out their ass...regardless, how about just applauding that I took the time to translate the spanglishisms for the gringos? Also, spend a weekend in Cancun drinking the water and I promise you that you'll be peeing from your ass...lmao

rabo
rabo

different dialects for different cultures.. the same way a "bicho" is a bug to a cuban, but a dick to nicaraguans..

besides... who pees out from their ass...?

in this context, rabo = dick

Um.
Um.

 Please, you're embarrassing yourself. In this context it clearly means 'dick'. It's obviously a very nuanced term, but there are helpful things like context clues that help you infer meaning. For example, why would someone 'take out' their butt in order to pee?

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

Negative ghostrider, the pattern is full.

When you order "Rabo encendido" at Versailles, La Carreta or Sergios...they don't give you bull cock...they give you a cow's ass.

robert i
robert i

thow this shit in your neighborhood asshole.  You don't obviously live here and if you do, you should be living in Carol City.  

Sobesucks
Sobesucks

Who lives in the beach thinking they are going to be in a quiet neighborhood?

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

Dear Robert, please call 305-266-0859, Raul Moving, they can help you relocate to Pinecrest.

diego d-licious
diego d-licious

PLP con los Comemierds....all jokes aside, you make a good point, back it up with examples, and even made the most important point of all, "I implore everyone from the 305 on the beach...to realize, with the great weight of humility; that they are the acting ambassadors of our city." A nadie le gusta la chusmeria...pero que no se fajen con el Billete...much less, Pepe Billete. Dale ;P

Danielvalladares29
Danielvalladares29

I love pepe billete but this shit that they call urban weekend is a bunch if fucking new Yorkers who come down to destroy our hotels and don't buy or pay for shit at restaurants! Besides wet willies and fat Tuesday's nobody makes money off this shit. They basically just order water at restaurants in sobe! We have events on the beach at least 2x a month and it doesn't require the numerous police departments like this stupid ass weekend!

Black Panther
Black Panther

If no one made money of this shit, then why do ALL the clubs, including the big ones like Mansion, Cameo, and LIV keep letting promoters throw parties on Memorial Day Weekend to attract the "urban" crowds. No comas pinga.

Maria626
Maria626

Aqui lo que cuenta es el CASH!!! At the end of the day, are the profits greater than the cost to host such an event?!? Y perdoname pero que Miamense se va ir a meter en la playa con tanto negrerio? VPLP!

Euphoria021
Euphoria021

Ay Pepe, yo never fail to impress and tell it like it is. PLP!!!!!

Chris Esta Enamorado
Chris Esta Enamorado

Oye for being your first article you hit it out of the park....Keep  doing your thing Pepe y PLP con todo los haters, Keep it real acere....

Donlouismiami
Donlouismiami

Oye Pepe - While I couldn't figure out all of the Spanglish, I do think you're on to something here.

Take what is perceived as a negative and make it a positive. That makes a lot of sense, thanks for keeping it real.

- DonLouis

M C
M C

Why should the city take such interest and cater so much to theses people when we have other huge events all year long like wmc/mmc and they don't require that level of supervision?!?

Ffffff
Ffffff

I liked the parts of the article I could read. When using spanish slang, put english translations

Donkey Booty
Donkey Booty

glossary at the end? so we can understand all of pepe's nonsense! we LOVE you pepe! we just aren't all spics so we can't understand you!!! (but you are so cute)

JayLee211
JayLee211

Oye...I Love PEPE BILLETE...I even Met Him At A Bar....But PAPA, tu eres un tremendo comemierda on this one.... Dont try to sell me Bullshit and Tell Me Its Mr.Chows... Papa im Live on the Beach. I dont know what Miami Newtimes is doing Listening to PEPE Billete for an article...Who's next, Condescending Willy Wonka, or Bad Luck Brian. Pa La Pinga!

Noel
Noel

LastNightRumors CEO Supporting Loco! Keep It Jp Congratz!

anthonyvop
anthonyvop

You had me until you mentioned that king of all that is Racist Luther Campbell.

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