Pepe Billete's Guide to Staying Alive in the Age of Cannibals

Categories: Comedy
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Last week, I urged all Miamians participating in Urban Beach Weekend to be careful not to make us look like a herd of comemierdas to the rest of the country. I was hoping I could write this week's article about how great Memorial Day weekend ended up this year, pero one guy had to mess it all up. Instead of news reports about how South Beach was calm and without incident, the entire country is now focused on what the media has deemed the "Miami Zombie."

I'm sure you are just as sick of hearing about this comepinga as I am. Yes, the story is bizarre, Yes, it warrants further investigation, and of course it is extremely tragic. But the speculation that has arisen as a result of the attack es lo que me tiene la pinga pela. Suddenly everybody is an expert about drugs, delirium, and cannibalism. So pal carajo, I'm adding my two cents to this whole discussion porque yo soy el que mas mea aqui. Here are some legitimate ways to avoid being a victim to zombies, cannibals, criminals, and other Miami assholes.

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via ecsc2010.com
Get a concealed weapons license y comprate una fuca
A machete and a guayabera is like chain mail and Excalibur to a Cuban, pero unfortunately its not very fashionable to walk around Miami looking like a turn of the century Mambi Soldier. Still, the best part about being an American is having the right to bear arms, and the best part about being a Floridian is having the right to use that shit! Nothing says "me cago en tu madre" to a criminal better than a bullet to the dick.

Does this sound overtly violent to you? Good! We live in an overtly violent society -- a man ate another man's face off last weekend, remember? -- so stop being a pussy. Criminals look for easy targets. I call these people "pencos." If you look like un penco, your life sucks, because: 1. Your life is in danger every time you leave your house, and 2. It's unlikely that anyone has ever touched your dick willingly. A concealed weapons license can change all of that. They're cheap, easy to get, and allow you to reduce your penco status down to virtually zero.  


Take a Gracie Jiu-Jitsu self-defense class
Un socio y yo were talking about how hard it would be to hold someone down long enough to eat his face off. My friend said it's actually fairly easy if you are "mounted" on them. I watch a lot of MMA, y soy tremendo pingu, so I know what a mount is. (Google it if you don't.) I assumed it would be next to impossible to escape that position with a stronger attacker, pero my friend said, ni pinga. In fact, he said, it's fairly easy to escape if you're fighting the average zombie or comemierda. It should be noted that my friend no es cual quier comepinga, and is in fact, a black belt in traditional Gracie Jiu Jitsu.

There are many styles of fighting that are great, pero el Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is the only one that is actually made for smaller people to fight gorillas. Royce Gracie proved this to Americans in 1995 when he put Dan Severn, an opponent who was almost twice his size, to sleep. You may be thinking, "pero el UFC dice que you need to be a well rounded MMA fighter," pero no seas tolete! El UFC is a sport with rules and weight classes -- two things attackers on the street se limpian el culo with. Furthermore, if you're a 150 pound man, the most damage you can hope to do with punches and kicks against an attacker the size of someone like Kimbo Slice is no more harmful than using too much teeth on a blowjob. If you are interested in learning how to survive attacks from people bigger and stronger than you, then my suggestion is go to a school that teaches combat Gracie Jiu Jitsu and not some sport mierda. And yes there are a bunch of schools in the 305 that teach exactly that. Here is one.

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Wikipedia CC
Urge politicians to legalize drugs PLP
I don't know what the statistic of drug-related violent crime is in America, pero I'm going to assume its really fucking high. People are against the prospect of legalizing drugs because they think that it will turn our country into a nation of whacked-out zombies. Last weekend's fiasco, among a slew of other similar crimes clearly prove that prohibition isn't working to help deter this shit.

The media is saying that the "Miami Zombie" attack is possibly due to the attacker using a powerful new synthetic drug with the street name "bath salts." Do a little Internet research and you'll find that this shit is everywhere. Pipo, this is not rocket science. If you legalize regular marijuana whose effects make you giggle and sleepy, you eliminate the need for people to cut corners and smoke synthetic chem lab experiments that make them go crazy and eat people's faces. Coño, can you imagine how much money the government could make taxing legalized drugs the way they do cigarettes and alcohol? Jails would be emptied, violence would drop, and people can live their lives como le sale del culo; like they do in Holland.

Aqui hay mas locos que el coño su madre. That's just the way it is, pero you have the choice of of being un pingu or un penco. You have no reason to be scared of a zombie or a cannibal or el coño su madre if you are prepared to deal with the worst case scenario. For me, its easy. I'm a puppet. I'll live forever as long as someone sticks his fist up my ass. Pero for you, it's a little more complicated. Don't depend on anyone for your safety. Ensure it on your own y cagate en todo el mundo.

--Pepe Billete, concerned citizen and (in)famous Miami puppet

Follow Pepe on Twitter @PepeBillete.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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26 comments
lola
lola

Pepe you are the best .

TIANANI77
TIANANI77

Pepe love you! ! Cubanasooo I'm gettin una tranca y Lo mato a trancaso . De culo . Por Que no fue y se comio la papaya de la mujer . Keep up the good work . AAAAA !!!

Tabakon
Tabakon

Screw it.. I'm gonna walk around like a Mambi fighter!!

Xiomy1017
Xiomy1017

This is the funniest shit I have read in a long time...only a real cuban like myself can really relate...u r tremendo pinguuuuu...lol

Pipo En Español™
Pipo En Español™

Guayabera and machete, I'm there! lol Great job Pepe! love the piece!

Manny Reyes
Manny Reyes

Pepe is the shit and by the way I was the one that came up with the guyabera y machete comment. 

Rein786
Rein786

My name is Reina I never read this newspaper until Pepes article, I will continue to read it now just because of Pepe

Peluutrooper
Peluutrooper

This is funny as shit!!! I love PEPE BILLETE...He says it as it is!! Yo veo Zombies all the time!! LOL

Arod1023
Arod1023

Everything about the article was good except you plugging your boys jiu jitsu school... That was to obvious... Let him pay for his advertising like the rest... Amature move.... Just calling it like I see it.

Lianet3312
Lianet3312

PepeBillete, you really tell it like it is! No filter, I like it!

ray g
ray g

eres un pinguoooooooooooooooooo....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Redmister2
Redmister2

oye what we have to do do is give every memorial weekend attendee a gun and on every street corner in the beach a bucket with bullets.....that will end this glorious memorial weekend that has taken a wrong turn and is now a  festival weekend. Let us continue normally as productive citizens. ESTO ESTA DEL CARAJO people......lets open our eyes. My uncle is a very hard working waiter at a restaurant AT THE BEACH and was dreading cause he had to work this weekend....this was the norm, "customers" enter the restaurant and order like if they had not eaten in a month and look like savages eating....and when the bill comes, the "customers" said "What?????? the is not complimentary"

COMPADRE WE NEED TO OPEN OUR EYES PEOPLE  

Ivan Estrada11
Ivan Estrada11

Every said here is 100% accurate. From la Fuca..... To la marijuana!!! Good job Pepe.... Keep it coming!!! Y Mandale saludos al El caballo!!!!! Dale!!!!!

Bartenderros
Bartenderros

There has been Zombies for ever in Over Town and Little Havana LOL .. But we called them Crack Heads ..shit the Taco bell on 37th and 7th nw was a haven for them..they even say it on one of the episodes of first 48 ..fuck fighting pits let's fight zombies. We can atleast profit of they sorry ass degenerate fucks...we can start (ZFA ) Zombie Fight Association. Who's down .

Diego Texera
Diego Texera

Nothing says fuck off like a machete, seriously...but for zombies...double taps to the head are probably more effective. For real, the Miami cop who shot our beloved "zombie" growled after the first shot hit him...really? Growled?!?! What kind of a f'ed up drug is this? This shit gives you super-human powers with a penchant for cannibalism. Not a bad trade-off...but so much for having friends.

Don Daniel Rosario
Don Daniel Rosario

I am definitely leaving my office like a super Pingu! I'm ready for zombies, NO FUIMO!

Anthony Palermo
Anthony Palermo

Nothing says "me cago en tu madre" to a criminal better than a bullet to the dick- priceless

Nady
Nady

"For me, its easy. I'm a puppet. I'll live forever as long as someone sticks his fist up my ass." I couldn't stop laughing when I read this! Lol hilarious article, but many valid points by Pepe.

Melissa M
Melissa M

Pepe eres lo MAXIMO! I fucking LOVE this guy!!!

Chuck Livid
Chuck Livid

I opt for the guayabera and machete look myself.

Chris
Chris

What guyabera y machete comment? 

D134981
D134981

Especially when there is nothing traditional about Gracie Jiu-Jitsu.

canesguy
canesguy

 Pipo do you think that a puppet really knows Gracie? No jodas

CHEESY GORDITA
CHEESY GORDITA

That's the world's best Taco Bell as far as I'm concerned.

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