Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

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This week, New Times released its annual Best Of Miami issue, highlighting its editors' opinions on the best Miami has to offer. For the second year in a row, I'm the proud winner of the reader's choice for Best Twitter, yet somehow, the guy responsible for choosing it officially for the paper chose someone else. They tell me it's a conflict of interest to give it to me because I work for the paper, pero i say VPLP.

So this year, I decided to cagarme en todo el mundo and do my own Best Of Miami picks for all of my readers. I've decided to only highlight the areas that I found important because:

1. I'm doing this alone, and this shit is a lot of work, and
2. This is my list y pongo lo que me sale del culo.

So here it is: The official Billete Best Of Miami (abridged version).

Best Place for a Guy to get a Haircut
The Chop Shop on Biscayne

The mark of a good barber in Miami is different than most other cities. Aqui cual quier comemierda te puede hacer un "fade", pero try to find a guy that can fix your beard/mustache without making you look like you're the lead singer of a bachata group. I don't know about you, pero ya yo estoy muy viejo pa esa mierda. A couple of years ago, I was on my way to meet up with una jevita en el downtown and I wanted get a little trim on el bigoton beforehand to look extra pinguo. I stopped at a place that happened to have the New Times "Best Of" winner's banner hanging outside, and it absolutely blew me away. The place is called the Chop Shop, and it's one of the most professional and diverse barber shops I've ever been to. Ahi los barberos can do everything from make you look clean and professional to shave una foto de una morronga on the side of your head. "Money Mike", "Dee," and Ray are by far some of the most talented, professional, and entertaining barbers in Miami. They'll make you feel right at home from the second you walk in, and they won't let you walk out of the place looking like a bootleg Wisin y Yandel. Y si te gusta la jodedera, every Thursday, Club Space's own Dj Radamas hosts a radio show from inside the shop. El lugar esta empingaisimo!

Best Place To Cheat on Your Wife/Husband
Tarro Boulevard

Si tu estas pegando tarros en Miami and you don't know about Okeechobee Road in Hialeah, estas mas perdido que un tete en el culo. Okeechobee Road from the 112 to about 12th Avenue in Hialeah is like the Vegas strip of fuck motels. Seriously, it is absolutely amazing. There is something there to accommodate every level of infidelity conceivable. From a one night stand with una sucia, to a romantic night with your on-going mistress, Tarro Boulevard has the motel you're looking for. My personal favorite is called "The Executive," because each two-story room has its own garage on the bottom floor. Eso si esta "classy" con cojones! I also recommend this place as a final destination to any man over the age of 30 that still lives with his parents or in an efficiency in Hialeah that's taking a girl home with him for the night. Your chances of looking like un muerto will decrease dramatically and you can finally stop making up elaborate guayabas to explain your living situation.

Best Local Photo Blog
Deadfix.com

Yo me cago en el Instagram vente-mil veces. I am convinced that app is run by a bunch of comunistas. They've kicked me off twice after having accumulated well over 5,000 followers, simply because one or two people didn't like some of the pics I posted. No warning, no strikes, nada. Just a swift VPLP. I only used Instagram because, like most men, I like looking at culo and interesting shit. Da la casualidad que there is a local site that is dedicated to posting just that. Deadfix is a photoblog that makes no qualms about what it posts. Jeva, carro, yerba y culo. Just the right combination to keep any man entertained for hours while he procrastinates at work.

Best Person to Call When You Are in Tremenda Candela
Franklin Jara and Associates

Everyone needs un tipo de confiansa that they can call when they are in a bind. Just recently, The Huffington Post did a story on me que por poco me da un infarto pa la pinga. I called Franklin and he put me at ease immediately. Mind you all of this occurred on a weekend, and Franklin and his staff went out of their way to give me all of the legal advice I needed at a time cuando me estaba cagando en la hora que naci. That's the kind of personalized service a lawyer should give you. Don't settle for anything less.



Best Local DJ
Dj Nalgas

Miami is home to two of the best DJs in the world: Oscar G and DJ Craze. You can catch them performing at some of the best parties in Miami on occasion, but these guys have stepped into a realm of notoriety all their own. It's unfair to compare them to the guys on the grind at the local level. For that reason, I have to give the title of Best Local DJ to Dj Nalgas. In a time when every comepinga with an iPod and a computer calls himself a DJ, the test of the true DJ comes in his ability to read a crowd, and in that arena, Dj Nalgas is tremendo pingu. He's gained notoriety from starring in my Facebook Comemierdas video, but the guy is much more than just a talented actor. Yes, he will probably try to sonarte un pingaso if you look halfway decent, pero his name is DJ Nalgas. Que coño tu esperas?

Best Strip Club
Club Playmates

For me, a strip club is a place where the transaction between the stripper y el macho is clearly defined. I give you money, y tu me paras la pinga. While I am a huge fan of King of Diamonds, that place is more like the Cirque du Soleil of bollo than it is a strip club. All the dancers are acrobats that just happen to be naked. While it is a pretty amazing place, KOD is for people that don't mind blowing a couple thousand dollars in a night just to look like un pingu. I can respect that. Pero don't embarrass yourself by going there if you're just a regular guy on a budget that wants a lap dance and a drink. Pa eso, metete en Club Playmates in Coral Gables. The girls are gorgeous, the drinks are reasonably priced, and you don't have to spend two months' worth of checks to look like un pingu. Every time I go, me paso la pimera hora hablando with the bartender they call "Cream" about how great Los Heat are, and looking at her pechugas. Afterwards me compro una botella en el VIP that usually lasts me the whole night, y a gozar bollo! How can you beat that, pipo? (If you're really hard-up on cash and you don't mind a c-section scar or two on your dancers, metete pal Stonewall en Hialeah, pero make sure you take a body condom and a Z-Pak with you.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Location Info

Map

Chop Shop Barbershop

7283 Biscayne Blvd, Miami, FL

Category: Music

Playmates Club

3875 Shipping Ave., Coral Gables, FL

Category: Music


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6 comments
Hialeah Swag
Hialeah Swag

Nigga you have to be the dumbest motherfucker on Earth. Its HIS list. HIS opinion. Of course he's listing places HE endorses. Looks like someone didn't pass the FCAT. 

TXDollie
TXDollie

OMG lmfao! i miss Miami!! Texas rednecks crack me up but not even close! luv it! ;oD keep it up n give us more...

lola
lola

Hahaha! pepe, you are the best . But now all the wife know where to go a cojer el marido con las manos en la masa . I am checking the chop shop and D j nalgas deve estar buenisimo . pepe estas culicimo . Love to read your article . You are un tremendo morongu. Be careful con las sucias . We need you every week . PLP

Pl8rjosh
Pl8rjosh

You always make me feel better papo keep it up

RayRay
RayRay

Los Okemo como le digo yo whch stand for OKEchobeMOtel is where to be cuando tienes que seal the deal. Taroo Blvd...wow the la comiste con eso jajaja

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