Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters

Categories: Comedy, Sports
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There's a certain pride that comes from saying you're from Miami these days. Admittedly, some of that pride comes from the irrational bravado that comes with being a part of a place that's been named the #1 party city in the US, and one of the most dangerous places in America within the same three-year period. Good or bad, the further away you get from the Dade/Broward line, the more fanciful the look in people's eyes becomes when you tell them you're from the 305. 

Most people from Miami are proud, if not eager, to admit it. Because of this unabashed and unapologetic hubris, 99 percent of the country loves to hate on us. Nowhere is this hate more apparent than in the world of sports. Yo no se que cosa es, pero listen to most sports journalists around the country talk about Miami fans, and all you hear them say is that this city is the absolute worst place to have a sports franchise.

Pero today, no one is saying shit. All the Miami haters have suddenly gone silent. The jokes about Lebron having no ring in a city full of fairweather fans have been abrupty muted, and all you can hear, from Hialeah to Southwest, is the sound of casuelas y cucharas banging away a sweet song of victory! 

This week's column is dedicated to voicing what the Miami Heat can't, porque son muchachos fino. Pero yo soy tremendo CHUSMA y puedo decir lo que me sale de los cojones. So here it is: Pepe Billete's official VPLP list.

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via @NBA, Twitter
VPLP Skip Bayless
First and foremost, eres tremendo comepinga that has made a career hating on one of the greatest players in NBA history. Your weak opinion holds no weight because: 1) you've never competed at any notable level, and 2) tienes tremenda cara de sapingo mamerto. You contribute nothing to the world except your empty, vapid opinions that no one gives two shits about beyond the 30 seconds it takes for you to force them out of your wrinkled head. You are nothing more than una puta busca plieto with a microphone. You have shown the world on countless occasions that you don't possess a shred of integrity, and sadly, that speaks more volumes about your character (or lack thereof) as a "man" than it does your ethics as a journalist. You're 60 years old and your life is meaningless, pipo. How are you dealing with that?  


VPLP Charles Barkley

You love to talk about how Miami fans are the worst. How this city doesn't deserve any sports franchise, and you took solace in knowing that another notable elite level basketball player was well into his career and still hadn't gotten a ring. The "no ring" club wasn't so bad as long as LeBron was there to keep you company, because it helped you forget that your entire career, filled with praises, points and accolades, meant nothing because you were never able to reach the ultimate goal. You and your game, no matter how great, will be forever outshined by the fact that you played during the dynasty of Michael Jordan who, like LeBron, is the greatest player of his era. 

You will be remembered for your ostentatious behavior and blunt, almost brusque, interviews, pero your game will be an afterthought. Now, here you are, 13 years after your retirement con un culo que ni te cabe en la silla, and the only reason anyone even remembers that you're alive is because ESPN insists on airing your bloated head during every game. You were once a franchise player, but you've been reduced to un viejo amargado, and now, your Hands Free (of Rings) Club just lost its most valued member. El que te dejaba dormir de noche. Now it's just you and a bunch of young kids just starting their careers who are destined to succeed where you failed. I mean, let's face it -- the inevitable Kevin Durant "no ring" jokes don't hold much water considering he's only 23. It's just you, pipo. Even Juwan Howard has more rings than you. I mean, really, how are you going to deal with that?

VPLP OKC

You lost. Deal with it. Build something else in your shitty town, and maybe you won't have to think about it for the next year. We had playa y putas to hold us over, but for you, a Weight Watchers clinic might be a good start.

VPLP Joakim Noah

"Hollywood as hell," huh, pipo? That's kind of ironic coming from someone who looks like he should be on RuPaul's Drag Race. Kiss the ring, bitch. How's that for "Hollywood"?


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14 comments
Albo973
Albo973

Ok, for the record so that everyone is clear. Miami fans of what ever sport you follow, you are not the worst sports fans but are far from being the best sports fans and this is in general terms and not as an individual. Its just the number of real loyal fans in Miami are always gonna be out numbered by the older and larger cities. It takes decades to have the soiled and flourished rich sports history but one day you guys will be there. It's the other Miami fans that give the loyalist a bad name, the one's we call band wagons. I know people that have been heat fans since they lived in S. Florida and I've met those that became fan's when you guys got Shaq and even last year when you guys got Lebron or the worst are  the fans that join in because its the "in" thing to do and don't really care cause they want to join in on the fun and not be left out. Look at the floorside seats and tell me if some of these people really follow sports, they're just there because they got money and want to socialize and showoff. Maybe a few but not all, just sayin'. Its a great destination and will get better eventually, you just got to wait it out. Think of " field of dreams" eventually it will come but we got to be realistic also. 

Albo973
Albo973

I guess living in Uganda, Cuba, Iran, Etheopia, and places like where you have very little to no rights at all must be delightful and leaving  a country so you can live freely is just stupid and lacking of self-respect like you said. Easily said when you are born in America. Oh, and before you call me a maricon I would have you know sir that I am straighter than the pole your mother dances on.

Paporad
Paporad

If you live in Miami and you dont understand, even the mispelled spanish words from pepe, your a big sapingo. Does that really bother you cmon dont be such a comepinga.

Jose Marchese
Jose Marchese

All that shit he said about the haters that are from Miami is true. They just wanna get attention cuz they swear it makes them look badass...lol clase de come pingas

A Yahoo! user
A Yahoo! user

What are you talking about?  The last Dolphins game not to sell out was on October 18, 1998....where have you been my friend?  14 seasons, many of which have been horrendous, of consecutive sell-outs.  Yes, some were bought up at the last minute by local TV stations, but its been 14 years.  Dolphins fans have now had 2 full generations to see their team, and that is what every team needs.....generations of fans that builds allegiance to a team.  With the Marlins, wie're less than half way there.    

Ivonne J
Ivonne J

 Mijito....no seas tan ignorante!!! So what if ppl that jst got here want to celebrate??WTF!!! What's really bad and the point of this article is the HATE that these commentators and the country feel for the HEAT!! I was jst in Boston and had a guy tell me he was praying that LeBron"s injury was a torn acl! Disgusting!!! You should be ashamed to say that u r Cuban or whatever and "don't believe in any pride"! That statement is downright shameful! Although I am not Cuban...I could never, ever agree with you that Cubans are followers not leaders! You state that "you give credit to the gringos", and then you state "these idiots will stand up and make a mess", are these idiots the same ppl that allowed your Cuban family to enter into this country? The country for which you feel no pride?  I would state that although you dont think so...your family did lead inasmuch as they left Cuba to come to this great Country and give you a better life.  Too bad your are such and Ungrateful, Malparido, Mamatranca, Cometranca, and lastly as Pepe Billete would say COMEPINGA!!!

Luis Gonzalez Jr
Luis Gonzalez Jr

pepe billete a figure over 14 inches with a fist up its rear, he looks more like the compinga and team pepe writing in this for him

Olga
Olga

oye papito eres tremendo comepinga.  What the eff' are you talking about the generations have gotten darker... que clase de estupido eres.  Spaniards loved dark meat honey.  Never heard of the poem "y tu abuela adonde esta" by Luis Carbonell??? It is a critcism of Cubans that deny having black in their blood.  It was written en el ano de la bomba... this isn't something relatively new.  "Cubans" such as yourself that, when, are called out as being racist, say "yoooo racista?!?!?, pero si yo viva en Guanabacoa, y todos mis amigos eran negros".  Tu Crees que los cuerpos y los culos que tienen las Cubanas es de mentira? No papito, the traits of the motherland are very strong.  Mi vida I sense that you are un Cubano arrepentido.

Tre
Tre

Shout out 305...Homestead, Naranja!! Moody Drive!!

PolterM
PolterM

You're a moron verdad?

Luis Gonzalez Jr
Luis Gonzalez Jr like.author.displayName 1 Like

im cuban but i dont believe in any pride especially to my own race but the fact is yea through out the years the generations have changed to the darker heritage, that has happened through time but wasnt the majority a long time ago. i was trying to insinuate about being a follower people cant name more then the 3 players of the heat and they go buck wild for shit they dont know about, ill give more credit to the gringos that burn their cars and flip them who know everything, these idiots will stand up and make a mess for something stupid but if it comes to politics to make a stand or a protest they stay quiet. majority of cubans are followers not leaders

CubanPride
CubanPride

This is the most ignorant statement I've ever read. "3black basketball players represent a city of Cubans"? Really? I guess the fact that a good majority of the notable athletes and musicians that have come out of he island being black is irrelavent huh? Did u know that MORE than 60 percent of the population on the island right now is black u stupid fuck? Probably not, cuz ur just a racist idiot who just yells "cuban pride" without actually knowing anything about his heretige. And FYI, the 2 most popular sports on the island are baseball and Judo. Do u see many Judo competitions being hosted in miami, this being the mekka of Cuban tradition and all? no right? It's called assimilation dipshit. Look it up.

Luis Gonzalez Jr
Luis Gonzalez Jr

Words of the wise from Pepe billete. . .NOT REALLY. who would of known 3 black basketball players can represent a city full of Cubans that their heritage was more into baseball. This is where the term bandwagon comes in good; people that might not even know the game just getting into the country go crazy SURE

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