Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
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There's a certain pride that comes from saying you're from Miami these days. Admittedly, some of that pride comes from the irrational bravado that comes with being a part of a place that's been named the #1 party city in the US, and one of the most dangerous places in America within the same three-year period. Good or bad, the further away you get from the Dade/Broward line, the more fanciful the look in people's eyes becomes when you tell them you're from the 305.
Most people from Miami are proud, if not eager, to admit it. Because of this unabashed and unapologetic hubris, 99 percent of the country loves to hate on us. Nowhere is this hate more apparent than in the world of sports. Yo no se que cosa es, pero listen to most sports journalists around the country talk about Miami fans, and all you hear them say is that this city is the absolute worst place to have a sports franchise.
Pero today, no one is saying shit. All the Miami haters have suddenly gone silent. The jokes about Lebron having no ring in a city full of fairweather fans have been abrupty muted, and all you can hear, from Hialeah to Southwest, is the sound of casuelas y cucharas banging away a sweet song of victory!
This week's column is dedicated to voicing what the Miami Heat can't, porque son muchachos fino. Pero yo soy tremendo CHUSMA y puedo decir lo que me sale de los cojones. So here it is: Pepe Billete's official VPLP list.
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| via @NBA, Twitter |
VPLP Skip Bayless
First and foremost, eres tremendo comepinga that has made a career hating on one of the greatest players in NBA history. Your weak opinion holds no weight because: 1) you've never competed at any notable level, and 2) tienes tremenda cara de sapingo mamerto. You contribute nothing to the world except your empty, vapid opinions that no one gives two shits about beyond the 30 seconds it takes for you to force them out of your wrinkled head. You are nothing more than una puta busca plieto with a microphone. You have shown the world on countless occasions that you don't possess a shred of integrity, and sadly, that speaks more volumes about your character (or lack thereof) as a "man" than it does your ethics as a journalist. You're 60 years old and your life is meaningless, pipo. How are you dealing with that?
VPLP Charles Barkley
You love to talk about how Miami fans are the worst. How this city doesn't deserve any sports franchise, and you took solace in knowing that another notable elite level basketball player was well into his career and still hadn't gotten a ring. The "no ring" club wasn't so bad as long as LeBron was there to keep you company, because it helped you forget that your entire career, filled with praises, points and accolades, meant nothing because you were never able to reach the ultimate goal. You and your game, no matter how great, will be forever outshined by the fact that you played during the dynasty of Michael Jordan who, like LeBron, is the greatest player of his era.
You will be remembered for your ostentatious behavior and blunt, almost brusque, interviews, pero your game will be an afterthought. Now, here you are, 13 years after your retirement con un culo que ni te cabe en la silla, and the only reason anyone even remembers that you're alive is because ESPN insists on airing your bloated head during every game. You were once a franchise player, but you've been reduced to un viejo amargado, and now, your Hands Free (of Rings) Club just lost its most valued member. El que te dejaba dormir de noche. Now it's just you and a bunch of young kids just starting their careers who are destined to succeed where you failed. I mean, let's face it -- the inevitable Kevin Durant "no ring" jokes don't hold much water considering he's only 23. It's just you, pipo. Even Juwan Howard has more rings than you. I mean, really, how are you going to deal with that?
VPLP OKC
You lost. Deal with it. Build something else in your shitty town, and maybe you won't have to think about it for the next year. We had playa y putas to hold us over, but for you, a Weight Watchers clinic might be a good start.
VPLP Joakim Noah
"Hollywood as hell," huh, pipo? That's kind of ironic coming from someone who looks like he should be on RuPaul's Drag Race. Kiss the ring, bitch. How's that for "Hollywood"?
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