Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

Flickr Steve Rhodes

As the Florida Primary Elections approach next week, politicians are appealing to local voters on a wide variety of issues: the economy, education, and the inalienable right of fast food chains to hate on gay people.

Of course, we encourage you to pick up your picket signs when it comes to these matters. But there are a few issues right here at home that we think should be hot button issues come August 14. We want a politician who prioritizes the things that are important to our community: the beach bums, the club crowd, the loud and proud UM grads.

So we've put together a list of political positions guaranteed to get any candidate elected -- in Miami, anyway. Word to the wise stumpers: Adopting just one or two of these platforms could be just the boost you need to outpace your opponent. Adopt them all, and this city might just make you King of Miami for life.

Flickr Wild Side Travel

A Ban on $350+ Bottle Service
Every South Florida resident has received this call from a long lost Facebook friend: "I am coming to Miami! Let's go to a club!" And because you live here, you know the only way to maintain your sanity at any giant dance mecca is to get your only little section inside the VIP. Yet, everything about bottle service is obnoxious: the skinny bitch who brings it to you, the fireworks fizzling out of the ice, the $10 extra charge for ordering a Red Bull, and lastly, the price. How has Barack Obama not put a stop to a Smirnoff costing $15 at the liquor store and $350 + tax + tip at clubs? One look at your checking account after an evening on South Beach makes any night sipping from a douchebag promoter's free bottle look that much more enticing.

Flickr Phillip Pessar

Legalize Drinking On The Beach
Were you aware it is technically illegal to drink on Miami Beach? Having your Bud Light could cost you anywhere from $50 to 10 days in jail. Cops usually look the other way, understanding that a beer-filled cooler isn't doing anyone any harm. But the law still exists, meaning you could theoretically get pegged at any moment. Booze doesn't disturb the peace; people disturb the peace. So please, go arrest those drunk bro douches for being loud and obnoxious -- but not if they're merely reenacting a Corona commercial.