Nery Saenz Roasts Roseanne, Hates on Lil' Wayne, and Casts His Presidential Ballot

Photography by SantyMartinez.com

This Saturday, local comic Nery Saenz -- New Times' Best Comedian of 2011 -- will achieve a rite of passage for any comedian: the recording of his very first comedy CD. He'll be dusting the cobwebs off some of his older material and officially retiring it -- or "burying it," in comedian-speak -- and integrating new material about his 9-month-old daughter.

Example: "My wife gets very emotional, thinking about our daughter's first day of school and the first day she'll ride a bike. I get very emotional and start crying, because I keep thinking that someday, some dude's going to bang my daughter. The worst part is that the dude [who] will bang my daughter is 1 year old now. So every time I see a one-year-old boy, I just want to shake him and say, 'Don't you ever touch my daughter!'"

Saenz is known for his autobiographical comedy style, but we thought we'd ask him to look beyond himself and ponder life's most pressing topics: stuff like the 2012 elections, iPod guilty pleasures, and his preferred Lisa Lampanelli ethnic slur.

New Times: If you weren't a comedian, what would you be doing with your life?
Saenz: Pursuing my other dream of opening a drive-in adult film store. It'll have great prices, but car tints will be a must.

What's the funniest thing about South Florida?
The douchebag dudes that wear cowboy boots. It's Miami, so unless you own/ride a horse, stop it!

Lisa Lampanelli has praised your comedy, a high honor indeed. What ethnic slur would you most like Lampanelli to level at you, and why?
Well, as a fellow-comedian, when the "Queen of Mean" calls me a "Spic," my heart gets that little fuzzy feeling. You know, the same one the Klan gives me when a burning cross is placed on my lawn.

If you made it onto Saturday Night Live, what celebrities or original characters would you most want to play?
I'd love to play "Rico", an original character that shows what happens to a "Latin Lover" when his body ages, but his Viagra-laced libido hasn't. So basically, a guy from Hialeah. What can I say? We write what we know.

Comics recently roasted Roseanne Barr on Comedy Central. If you were there, what joke(s) would you have told?
What can I say about Roseanne Barr that hasn't been written on the bathroom wall of every McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Arby's, Carreta, Fritanga, Pollo Tropical ... you get it, she's fat! But seriously, Roseanne looks good. She'd look hotter in a Caja China. Seriously, did you leave your Caja China in the car?

Tell me an original joke about airline food.
I would, but I'm a broke comedian in the year 2012. So the only "airline food" that I've had is the $18 bag of M&Ms and that $43 1/4 can of Diet Coke I can afford. Hey Delta Airlines, how about you lower your damn prices? Or better yet, you think I can keep the entire can of soda?! I'm 30 years old, I think I can handle a whole 12-oz. can of soda.