Pepe Billete's Advice to the Class of 2016

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A couple of weeks ago I wrote an open letter to Chad "OchoCinco" Johnson, welcoming him back to Miami and updating him on some things that have changed in the 305 since his departure to Langston, Oklahoma in 1997.  I was excited to write the piece because Chad is one of my favorite sports figures in recent history. I mean it -- he's a Miami native that was a beast at the height of his career and has tremenda personalidad. The fact that the Dolphins had added him to the roster revitalized in me an interest in the team that had been dwindling into oblivion. Then el muy singao le metio un cabezaso a la jeva, y me cago el articulo pa la pinga.

In lieu of this debacle, I decided to leave Chad alone. He has enough people telling him what to do. Instead, because FIU and UM officially begin classes next week, I'm offering my advice to the myriad of freshman who will be starting college for the first time this semester.

Dear Freshmen,

Congratulations! If you've just graduated high school, you are about to begin the first phase of your adult life. The next four years will be full of self discovery and social maturing. If you're un viejo that just got his shit together and decided that he's too old to be living in an efficiency behind his abuela's house in Hialeah, felicidades, but you're probably going to Miami Dade College and school doesn't start for you until the 27th, so feel free to keep putiando y comiendo mierda until then and read this next Friday.

If you're an out of state student, and this is your first experience away from the nest, you picked the best city in the United States to test your academic dedication and discipline. This is a city where excess and debauchery are not only celebrated, but encouraged. This is not a traditional "college town" by any stretch of the imagination, but while no South Florida school made the Princeton Review's list of "Top Party Schools" in America, you are now a resident of the number one party city in the nation. We're also number one in medicare fraud and ass implants, but I digress.

Your Tio Pepe wants you to succeed in your academic endeavors, so I've put together a little list of crucial things to keep in mind to help acclimate you into this new phase of your life as a college student in the magic city.

El Che Es Un Comepinga
If you're from Miami, this is no secret to you. But to many new or misinformed college students, the urge to express their sudden admiration for a romanticized view of this mass murderer is almost a cliche. A mi la pinga if you finish your four years of college and conclusively decide you're a communist mamao who wants to dread your hair, smell like a bag of mojones, and live in the woods for the rest of your life. For the time being, you're living in Miami, and wearing a shirt with that piece of shit's face is offensive to the majority of people in this city. Respect that shit.