Pepe Billete's Advice to the Class of 2016

Categories: Pepe Billete
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See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an open letter to Chad "OchoCinco" Johnson, welcoming him back to Miami and updating him on some things that have changed in the 305 since his departure to Langston, Oklahoma in 1997.  I was excited to write the piece because Chad is one of my favorite sports figures in recent history. I mean it -- he's a Miami native that was a beast at the height of his career and has tremenda personalidad. The fact that the Dolphins had added him to the roster revitalized in me an interest in the team that had been dwindling into oblivion. Then el muy singao le metio un cabezaso a la jeva, y me cago el articulo pa la pinga.

In lieu of this debacle, I decided to leave Chad alone. He has enough people telling him what to do. Instead, because FIU and UM officially begin classes next week, I'm offering my advice to the myriad of freshman who will be starting college for the first time this semester.

Dear Freshmen,

Congratulations! If you've just graduated high school, you are about to begin the first phase of your adult life. The next four years will be full of self discovery and social maturing. If you're un viejo that just got his shit together and decided that he's too old to be living in an efficiency behind his abuela's house in Hialeah, felicidades, but you're probably going to Miami Dade College and school doesn't start for you until the 27th, so feel free to keep putiando y comiendo mierda until then and read this next Friday.

If you're an out of state student, and this is your first experience away from the nest, you picked the best city in the United States to test your academic dedication and discipline. This is a city where excess and debauchery are not only celebrated, but encouraged. This is not a traditional "college town" by any stretch of the imagination, but while no South Florida school made the Princeton Review's list of "Top Party Schools" in America, you are now a resident of the number one party city in the nation. We're also number one in medicare fraud and ass implants, but I digress.

Your Tio Pepe wants you to succeed in your academic endeavors, so I've put together a little list of crucial things to keep in mind to help acclimate you into this new phase of your life as a college student in the magic city.

El Che Es Un Comepinga
If you're from Miami, this is no secret to you. But to many new or misinformed college students, the urge to express their sudden admiration for a romanticized view of this mass murderer is almost a cliche. A mi la pinga if you finish your four years of college and conclusively decide you're a communist mamao who wants to dread your hair, smell like a bag of mojones, and live in the woods for the rest of your life. For the time being, you're living in Miami, and wearing a shirt with that piece of shit's face is offensive to the majority of people in this city. Respect that shit.


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22 comments
ImSoFlya
ImSoFlya

@PepeBillete this article is fantastic!! Right amount of humor & truth! Love it!

ferni112
ferni112

@PepeBillete pipo te la comistes

sandyg94
sandyg94

@PepeBillete you're the cutest <3 loved the article

Tomas4506
Tomas4506

@PepeBillete Estas de pinga!! You are never going to do the Heat Championship video. #tocandotetas

legabsterr
legabsterr

@Kat_Nilsson " jode y disfruta pero deja la puteria un poco y ponte a estudiar que la cosa esta de pinga" #PepeBillete <3

imnotdonewritin
imnotdonewritin

@PepeBillete pepe... You can still become a millionaire with some street smarts and the right connections. Hahah BUT I FEEL YOU!

fuker
fuker

what do you know about CHE you ignorant Cuban

javier_pvn
javier_pvn

Damn Pepe, wish I would have read this when I started college back in 2003 ... for the most part I followed the same advice ... but those Student loans were TEMPTING Dammmit lol ... Good to have a native like you here ... Dale

Cessiec
Cessiec

@PepeBillete "Advice to the Class of 2016" Made my Friday! Couldn't be any truer! Been laughing the entire read! http://t.co/zGnun6K5

paincane
paincane

@PepeBillete Love the article. As always estás encendido. Punto y aparte. Dále!

army_lopez
army_lopez

@PepeBillete great article Pepe. As someone that spent 8 years to get his shit 2gethr n get to law school, I wish I would've had this advice

XXXMirko
XXXMirko

@PepeBillete excelente advice.

FuckwitdaDC
FuckwitdaDC

@PepeBillete lmfaooo pepe once again eres un pinguo article was on point!

VaneTHEcreatrix
VaneTHEcreatrix

@PepeBillete lmfaooooo I cried at bootleg lil Wayne in space I loved it

HighitsGeorge
HighitsGeorge

@PepeBillete your not just a wise cracking Cuban we all love your a very well spoken articulate writer and I give you props Pipo, #goodshit

Ponzy
Ponzy

 @fuker The fact that you think that a Cuban, of all nationalities, has no knowledge to the murderous wrath of Che, makes you the only ignorant in the room. By your use of the word mate, I can only assume you are British or Australian, both of which make you utterly unqualified to have any sort of viable discussion on Che Guevara or any real govenrment for that matter. I'd stop trolling sites with your bullshit and pick up a book or two if I were you. 

jodate
jodate

 @fuker vete pa la pinga singao. take that shit elsewhere.

fuker
fuker

 @jodate shall i give you some proper spanish lessons mate?  hes the one criticizing a true legend who I can assure you he prob knows nothing about.

portablefernie
portablefernie

 @fuker Che was a mass-murder.. ideals are great until you start killing people... then you are just a murdering dickhead

yomama
yomama

look up che and UMAP fucker. VPLP

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