Pepe Billete's Letter to Micky Arison: Send Stevey Pa'l Carajo

Categories: Opinion
Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

Dear Micky Arison:

As owner of the Miami Heat, you've nurtured the evolution of a legacy that was humbly born in the late '80s, developed in the '90s, and unmistakably solidified in the new millennium. Your dedication to Miami sports revitalized a city desperate to escape the tentacles of irrelevance that had been choking away our pride and spirit. To die-hard South Florida sports fanatics like me, you, sir, are Beowulf.

But for all the glory you have brought our great city, one man has overshadowed your triumph with a shroud of anguish and torment. Time and again, he has plummeted us into an abyss of despair. This man is evil incarnate. El jodido diablo himself! He is a plague that has terrorized us with malice and ineptitude for too long, and the time has come for you, our champion, to rescue us from his despicable clutches.

The man I speak of is none other than el muy malparido de Stephen me cago en su madre Ross.

Since Ross took full ownership, the Dolphins have yet to see a winning season. In fact, in the three years he's been the majority stakeholder, Stephen M. Ross has single-handedly made the Dolphins franchise look like the bleached asshole of the NFL. With each passing season, the likelihood of Ross making a terrible decision with absolutely no regard for the team's fan base has become more certain than finding a hipster coke dealer on North Miami Avenue at 6 o'clock Sunday morning.

To detail every failing in Ross's tenure as owner of the Dolphins would make this letter sound more like a suicide note, but by far his most notable fuckup has to be keeping Jeff Ireland as general manager. Despite Ireland's gross mismanagement of draft picks and reputation among players, Ross claims "he's done a great job with the draft." He's talking about the same sapingo responsible for choosing offensive tackle Jake Long over Atlanta Falcons All-Pro quarterback Matt Ryan and who wasted a second-round draft pick on Pat fucking White! Ross vehemently shows confidence in Ireland by saying things like "he's as smart as they come on the football side" even though part of Ireland's interview process is asking potential players if their mothers are putas.

Pero pa la pinga, let's forget all of that and pretend that Ross's paja mental is justified. That still doesn't take away the fact that Ireland is the herpes sore of professional football. No player (or coach, in the case of Bill Cowher) who's worth a damn wants to get anywhere near Miami because of him. Prospective Dolphins have publicly said they denied offers to meet with the team because of Ireland's presence, yet somehow Ross lo mantiene como si fuera su puta querida.

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Mr. Banknote,


Allow me to be among the first to marvel at your sudden mastery of the English language and your deft ability to turn a phrase. All the blow and pussy has yielded great dividends after all. I will say, however, that putting the draft debacle that is Pat White in the same league as perennial pro bowl left tackle Jake Long is a bit much. Matt Ryan, capable as he is, is in his 5th season without a single playoff win to speak of. Un Tony Romo cualquiera. Would I want Ryan in a Fins uni? Hells yeah, but Ireland's commited worse atrocities. Also, I think its worth mentioning in this ADD world we live in that this franchise was floundering long before Ross got his hands on it. JImmy Johnson's empty bravado (great defense though) to Dave Wanstash's misleading double-digit win regular seasons and 1 playoff win destroying Lamar Smith and Ricky Williams along the way before he ingloriously resigned in '04 on a 1-8 record. Then we get Nick "The Dick" Saban, the savior from the vaunted SEC whom Satan sent to lie and deceive an entire fan base into submission which led us to The Great Mistake aka Cam Cameron who led us to the worst season in franchise history, one loss short of being the only team besides the '08 Lions to go win-less since the NFL adopted the 16 game season. The quarterbacks "leading the charge" in the pre-Ross era are a decorated bunch: Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Brian Griese, A.J. Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Gus Frerotte, Daunte Cullpepper, Cleo Lemon, Trent Green and John Beck. Woops! Almost forgot the Great Damon Huard.


I am not a Ross apologist by any stretch. He is in way over his head and the type to put a dress on a pig and call it Kate Upton. He, much like Obama in '08, inherited a colossal, monstrosity of a mess. This is his 3rd year on the job. Tranquilizate....


Wouldn't Arison getting a stake in the Dolphins be prohibited under the NFL's cross-ownership rules? Or does that apply only to controlling stakes and/or exterior NFL markets?


@pepebillete I'm surprised that this article doesn't have a single comment...well, until now.

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