Skyfall's Javier Bardem Will Not Father Your Child, Remains a Handsome, Spooky James Bond Villain

Categories: Film and TV
Francois Duhamel
Bardem in Skyfall.
Imagine this: Javier Bardem stops by your place unexpectedly, and he just won't leave. You have a pleasant enough chat about his role as the villain in the new James Bond film, Skyfall, opening today. "Everything has to make sense with the story you're telling," he says. "Otherwise it is a firework without meaning."

But though Bardem is charming and handsome and has some great stories, you have places to go.

See also:
- Daniel Craig Talks Bond's Homosexual Past, Charms Our Pants Off

So how do you get the actor to clear from the room within 20 seconds? Well, one way would be to ask if he is considering a stud-for-hire service aimed at spinsters who want to carry his guaranteed to be at-least-half-handsome child. (We learned that the hard way.)

"That is a very complex question," he tells us when we give it a shot. After we go through the ins and outs and do everything short of opening a pop-up business plan for him, the actor -- who clearly cares more for art than commerce -- laughs and says, "Oh, Jesus. I think it's time to wrap this one."

Which, the lonely and childless should note, is not the same thing as a no.

Weirding out Javier Bardem is a lot like the process the actor undertook to create his flamboyant character, Silva, who stands out as a true original in 50 years of kitten-stroking, nut-lasering Bond villains.

"People expect the Bond villain to be somebody who is a little bit out there," he says, "and you have to do that without losing the sensation of belonging to the Earth."

And Bardem's Bond villain is certainly a bit out there. He's got an awesome hideout on an abandoned Japanese island full of massive broken statues. His idea of a parlor trick is to shoot a glass of Scotch off the head of a beautiful woman. He's got bleached eyebrows and hair (more on that in a moment, Bardem Hair Watchers) and instead of stroking kittens, he strokes James Bond's thighs.

Yes, in a scene of James Bond slash-fiction brought to life, Bardem ties Daniel Craig to a chair and attempts to seduce him. And while no doubt many would want to do the same, Bardem's character has different motivations.

"Everything of Silva, including the looks, is based on this idea of creating something of a spectacle to the other, whoever that might be. To put them in a place where they don't know how to proceed."

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