O.J. Simpson's If I Did It: Five Murderous Manuscripts We Would Rather Read

Categories: Books, Lists
Did he do it? Does anybody care?
Yesterday, TMZ reported that an ultra-rare first edition of O.J. Simpson's "hypothetical" recount of the gruesome 1994 double-murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown and her lover, Ron Goldman, had hit the metaphorical shelves of eBay.

Our first (and, really, only) question is: Who the f*ck cares?

What's next? A reprint of the Starr Report? How is this the year 2013, yet we are somehow blogging about O.J. Simpson killing people. Blogging barely even existed when he (hypothetically) did it!

Of all the psychopathic hitmen in the history of slaughter, O.J. is potentially the least interesting. He did it. He got away with it. And he continues to somehow profit from the whole grizzly affair. The end.

After the jump: Five murderous manuscripts you're more likely to find next to our toilet than If I Did It.

5. Leon Czolgosz
This guy committed the most boring killing in the history of taking out world leaders. But, hey, homie is probably the most famous anarchist in North American history. That must count for something! If anything, we want to read Czolgosz's version of If I Did It so we could understand why anybody would bother shooting William McKinley, the otherwise completely inconsequential 25th President of the United States.

4. Marcus Junius Brutus
Aren't you absolutely dying to read the inner-monologue of the first emperor of Rome's BFF and his chief assassin? Sure, Caesar asked, Et tu, Brute? But, god dammit, no one has ever stopped to figure out cur. (That's "why" in Latin, you philistine.)

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Just to be clear....William McKinley's Presidency was MOST DEFINITELY noteworthy. The economy grew faster during his presidency than it ever had... he dominated the Spanish American War..... acquired Hawaii, Phillipines, Guam, etc.....and basically laid the entire groundwork for what would become Teddy Roosevelt's fame. He also revolutionized Presidential campaigning into what we know it as today - he immersed himself in small communities, sometimes delivering speeches from train platforms and neighborhood porches. HE ACTUALLY MIGHT BE THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER.

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