Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, Episode Three: The Bonnie and Clyde of Breast Milk

Categories: Film and TV

Kim Kardashian, breast milk thievin'.
Kourtney & Kim's ratings have reportedly been in something of a slump since the show's debut last week. Has America's appetite for Kim and co. waned? After years of overdosing on the Kardashians, is this the nations' first step in getting back on the wagon?

Probably not, because this week's episode has lesbians. Hooray lesbians!

See also:
- Kourtney & Kim Take Miami: A Feminist Guide to Talking About the Kardashians
- Kim Kardashian's Baby Is Already Too Fabulous For This World
- Last week's episode of Kourtney & Kim

You can rag on this show all you want, but you cannot deny this one truth: The music to the Kourtney & Kim opening montage is perfect. It condenses the entire show into musical form. Just listen to the lyrics:

"Hummina hummina hummina hummina hummina
Hummina hummina hummina hummina hummina
Hummina hummina hummina hummina hummina
Showstopper. Showstopper."

There truly is nothing else to say.

The episode opens with Kourtney and Kim trying to imagine what Kim would look like pregnant. They do this in the same scientific manner that small children use: stuffing an oversized pillow inside the front of one's shirt. Kourtney says that a baby belly would balance out Kim's ass. I guess we'll know if that's true soon enough.

Scott, meanwhile, goes to a party at the house of his new bestie, Chapman. Inside, he finds not just an overdesigned interior and swimming pool, but also: lesbians. The look on Scott's face when they tell him they are lesbians is: OMG LESBIANS. He babbles something in the confessional about not wanting to have awkward conversations where he can't relate to the lesbians, because they are lesbians and he is not a lesbian, and also lesbianslesbianslesbians. Scott seems excited about the lesbians, is what I'm saying here.

Somehow, Scott manages to shake off his paralyzing lesbianxiety and befriend the other party guests, particularly one named Dani, who happens to look very similar to Scott himself. She also looks eerily like Chapman, who himself looks eerily like a Ken doll. There's a factory somewhere churning these people out. There must be. It's how Ryan Seacrest can be in so many different places all the time.

While Scott's partying with Chapman and his lesbian bros, Kourtney's at home with the kids. She tries to do yoga with Mason, who is three years old, and shockingly it does not work so well. It's kind of tragic, the way she's always shown alone at home with nobody to talk to but her own children. No wonder she video-chats with her therapist, Erica Hershey Jaffe, to complain that Scott's out without her. Jaffe tells Kourtney that she and Scott have two different ways of socializing, by which I guess she means that Scott does it and Kourtney does not. Kourtney's prescription: Write out your angry feelings towards Scott without showing them to him. We can all be assured that Scott will eventually discover and read these messages, because secret diaries are the Chekhov's gun of reality television.

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Alex Anico
Alex Anico

Cultist i imagine your offices are plastered in Kardashian photo wallpaper and your employees have to carve their names over and over into their bodies as a right of passage...

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