A Haunted House's Marlon Wayans on Kim Kardashian's "Mediocre Head," Humping Plushies, and His God-Given Cast

Categories: Film and TV
Wayans in A Haunted House.
Marlon Wayans is perhaps the most contemplative of the Wayanses, never missing an opportunity to learn more about himself. Take for example, what he took away from a nearly four-hour improvised shoot for a scene in his film A Haunted House, in theaters Friday.

"I discovered I can actually -- for lack of a better word -- I can f*ck anything," Wayans informed Cultist. "Pretty much. Stuffed animals? You would have thought it was two beautiful women that I saw."

The film spoofs the Paranormal Activity series, purporting to be a tape made by Wayans's character after his house becomes possessed. During the scene in question, Wayans warms up for an evening of lovemaking with the aid of his girlfriend's stuffed animals.

See also:
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"All we had written was just a couple of moves. And then I looked on the bed and there was this little innocent stuffed animal dog just sitting there, looking at me, and I said, 'You. I'm gonna hump the life out of you.' And I did. On the DVD, I'm going to put porn music behind it and I'm going to show like a 35-minute take of me with the stuffed animals."

And so, does Marlon Wayans look at stuffed animals differently now?

"No," he said. "But I think kids will. I was at a screening the other day and I saw some kids there and I was like, 'Don't do to your dolls what I did to mine. Don't do that to your Elmo.'"

But when Cultist pointed out that today's children are possibly in more danger of Elmo doing that to them, Wayans lit up and asked his assistant to send him a note, an idea for a future sketch. She was confused.

"Just text me, 'Elmo as a pedophile," he explained to her, and just like that, the glamour of the film business evaporated and we realized that their jobs were just like anybody else's.

Aside from his standup, film, and television work with his brothers, Wayans has also written several books (101 Ways to Know You're Having a Ghetto Christmas, 101 Ways to Know It's Time to Get Out of Your Mama's House), as well as acting in films by Darren Aronofsky, the Coen Brothers, and in Norbit. On A Haunted House, he was a writer, producer and, in keeping with the premise of it being found self-shoot footage, sometimes the cameraman.

"I had the harness on and was actually doing the work on the camera," he said. "But I was always pretty good with the camera because my home porn collection is crazy. I have like 250 of them, 251."

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