Real Housewives of Miami Lost Footage: Five Moments You Need To See
3. Karent Love Da Kids
Karent tells us in the opening monologue, "If you don't like my smile, then don't look my way." Girl, we have tried, but our DVR doesn't have an option to block you... yet. Karent's 10-minute rant about her TV career in the '90s, which only led to her going to dental school, made us feel like Lindsay Lohan-like failures. But what really topped off our daily hatred? Her charity and caricature. Sure, her charity does great work, and having yourself drawn isn't a crime. But why did both scenes include some dude out of work from being featured on To Catch A Predator? And why did Karent love both of these men more than she does toothpaste? She, too, is a certified creeper. Chris Hanson, we told you first.
2. Donde Esta Ana?
Last Friday morning, our darling father called us at work to discuss the reunion, part two, in detail. Our first question was of course, "When the fuck did you start watching Bravo?" This was followed up by, "Should mom be worried?" He only wanted to chat about whom we, as self-proclaimed housewives experts, thought was getting kicked off the show. We said it then and we will say it now: Ana, you're fired. During Tuesday night's special, we couldn't help but notice she didn't make not one scene. She didn't make the lost footage cut either, and the only thing keeping her relevant on the reunion was her mom boobs and insults to Lea. But whatever. She's a chef/lawyer. The bitch will be fine.
1. Mama Elsa's Small-Screen Magic
As most of our readers are aware, our paper is on the verge of being renamed Mama Elsa Times. We love her around these parts, and we aren't ashamed. Tuesday evening, our love was brought to a completely new level. From the fact that she isn't afraid to smoke cigars or her new coffee venture, the lady's a certified superstar. And she hustles her espresso like a crack dealer trying to pay his rent. Miami, meet your new Starbucks.
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