21 Stupid T-Shirts Spring Breakers Are Wearing This Year
It's that time of year again. The beaches are packed, the bars are slinging shots all night, and the petty thieves of Miami Beach have thousands of easy marks. Spring breakers have returned.
And no one is happier than the tourist-junk-shilling shops along Lincoln Road and Washington Avenue. Each year, these classy establishments -- you know, the ones with the mannequins modeled after genetically modified porn stars -- turn out a new batch of T-shirts aimed at drunken college students with stunted senses of humor.
Sometimes they reference pop culture. Sometimes they announce how badly their wearer wants to get laid. Either way, they're important indicators for those of us who live here year-round: When you see these shirts, you know to avoid the person inside it. Or try to score a one-night-stand if you're desperate. Spring break be not proud.
1. Boobies Make Me Smile
Then you, sir, have come to the right place (by which we mean a tourist trap with double-D mannequins in the windows).
2. Miami Bitch, With a Side of Boobs
It's midnight in South Beach. The moonlight is magical. A guy in a "Boobies Make Me Smile" tee stumbles on his way to the Clevelander and is helped to his feet by a beautiful woman. As he stands, he locks eyes... on her tank top with bare breasts airbrushed on it. Who says there's no such thing as love at first sight?
3. The Freudian Cigar
Subliminal message: You're doing it wrong.
4. "I Get This From My Dad" onesie
When you're buying your stupid and offensive spring break attire, it's important to ask yourself: Who benefits? In this case, it's not the father with the baby wang. It's not the mother, who's so sexually dissatisfied that she's using her child to act out her passive aggression. And it's certainly not the baby, who's doomed to a lifetime of therapy the moment he's dressed in this gross getup.
Look, Einstein was cool. But South Beach spring break is about tanned, lunky himbos, not an intelligent white guy who uses no hair product.