Pepe Billete: Banning Same-Sex Marriage Is Tremenda Mariconada
Last week, I was bombarded with emails regarding a Facebook post I made wishing the gay community luck and expressing my hope that the Supreme Court delivers a favorable decision on their behalf. The majority of the emails were from fans of my work, gay and straight, just saying "thanks," but there were two that really caught my attention.
One was from a girl named "Nathalie" who wrote me a 2,000-word religious diatribe about how "marriage is a sacred union under god" and argued that "there's no point in getting married if you can't have babies." De pinga.
The other was from a guy with the email handle "PingaSuerta" that read, "Bro, I would have never thought you would be a supporter of that shit." At first I thought PingaSuerta was condemning me for publically showing my support for the gay community, but he concluded his email with "Dale," and that led me to believe he probably just didn't expect something like that to come from me and was actually giving me props. Bueno -- that's unless of course his name is actually focking "Dale," in which case el tipo es tremendo comepinga!
Nathalie's email prompted me to write this post, and PingaSuerta's email motivated me to actually take action and publicly do something way bigger and way more over-the-top than anything I have done to date (more about this later)
Mama, thank you for your email, but no seas tolete, mija. Saying that same-sex marriage is wrong because marriage is a "sacred union under god" might be a valid argument in Iran (a country with a national religion), but in the United States, where religion is constitutionally not supposed to dictate law, it's about as valid as the W2 of un marimbero. The issue of marriage at hand here is questioning whether a certain group of people should be legally allowed to do things like file joint tax returns, claim marital deductions on tax forms, and claim health insurance and social security survivor benefits. I'm not sure how the god you worship feels about "taxation without representation," but you should probably look up the definition of the term "civil rights" before you write ignorant hate mail to pingu puppets with handsome genetils.
Finally, by saying gay marriage is wrong because "there's no point in getting married if you can't make babies," you are saying that infertile couples and senior citizens shouldn't be allowed to marry either. As ignorant and ridiculous as your claim is in this context, it's the kind of excuse that would save me a lot of headaches if I used it every time some miserable married comepinga puts me in an awkward position with una jevita they've seen me with more than twice and asks, "So when are you two planning on making it official?" For example:
Comepinga: "Oye, Pepe. So when are you two going to finally tie the knot?"
Pingu: "When my dick is no longer made out of felt."
Pingu: "Acere, because there's no point in getting married if you can't make babies."