Four Outsiders Who Are Ruining Miami

Categories: Lists

Miamiskyline560.jpg
via Flickr daspader
Miami: the city beautiful.

Miami long ago stripped New York City of its ultimate melting pot status. We have all types here, and the constant influx of outsiders seems to be in perpetual motion with no end in sight. Outsiders arrive by plane, boat, car, raft, inner tube, parachute, and FedEx on a daily basis. And while diversity is awesome, its side effects aren't: driving up rents, winning our lotteries, and worst of all, taking our parking spots.

We've come up with a few possible solutions, and our favorite is erecting a glass dome over the county, much like the government did to Springfield in The Simpsons Movie. But our economy ain't got time for that. So instead we're calling out the worst offenders here. When you recognize them on the street, make sure to scowl at them. That'll teach 'em.

MiamiModels560.jpg
via Flicker melody45
Lots of "T," no "A," "I," or "Q."
4. Models
If you've ever watched 8th & Ocean, attended their annual beach volleyball tournament, or simply wandered the streets of eastern South Beach, you've seen them. Models exist to make the rest of us feel bad about our looks; that's as true in Miami as it is anywhere else. But here in the Magic City, they have other, far-reaching side effects for normal-looking locals.

Models have made it harder for locals to get into clubs, and for local women to get free drinks from older men in the hopes of getting laid. We're pretty sure they also brought about the whole 'small plates' concept at local restaurants. They lounge bony and topless on the beach, perpetuating the patriarchal stereotype of beauty and making sexy, voluptuous local women feel insecure. Not cool, ladies. Not cool.

3. Mobsters
If you've visited South Beach anytime within the past several years, you've come across a mobster. They've taken over clubs, bars, restaurants, and the drug, prostitution, and human trafficking trades. Plus, the Russian ones really cut into our vodka supply.

Unlike models, mobsters are more than just annoying -- they're downright scary. Ever argued over a parking spot with a mobster? No, you haven't. You're still breathing, right?


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