Perez Hilton Talks Lazy Drag Queens, Advises Amanda Bynes: "The Key Is Not Dying"

Categories: Celebrities

Perez_Hilton.jpg
Perez Hilton: Blogger, Father, Bynes Whisperer
Mario Lavandeira, better known as gossip blogger Perez Hilton, doesn't make it back to his hometown of Miami that often, but when he does, he tries to make it interesting. This time around, he'll be hosting the Ultimate Drag Queen competition at the Magic City Casino tomorrow night.

"I'm the master of ceremonies," he tells Cultist, "so I am introducing everybody and making sure that things run smoothly. Maybe some color commentary, too, like a live version of my website."

Hilton is excited to be coming back home, his first visit since starting a family. Longtime fans may be surprised that Hilton didn't examine the sonogram of his son for "gayface" the way he has done with images of shiny television hunks on his website. On the photos he's been taking of his son, he has yet to draw any cocaine particles spilling from his nose or a penis ejaculating all over the boy's face.

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For most of the existence of his website, Hilton would taunt the celebrities he wrote about by annotating their paparazzi photos with large chunks of cocaine. White outlines of penises would spray furiously, with the force and regularity of geysers. He still imagines the celebrities' thoughts in word balloons but lately, as his web empire has expanded to fitness and pet-centric versions of his site, he's taken a more positive and less confrontational stance -- as though drugs and sex weren't good additions to any photograph. You don't really need 40 different versions of your bridesmaids posing out front of the church, but you might if they had coke all over their faces and elephantine dongs spurting at them from every angle.

"I didn't have a specific one in mind," he says of the penis that he would regularly conjure, disembodied and spectral, as celebrities wandered across red carpets and LAX. He claims it was not a representation of his own, one he had seen before, or a drawing made from life models. "It was a very rudimentary drawing I'd do," he claims modestly; there's nothing fancy about the 10,000-year-old outlines of hands on cave walls in Argentina but they too are art works of enduring historical importance, a testament to the desires of man to express himself and leave his mark.

These days, his encomium to posterity is fatherhood.

"I haven't done much traveling since I had my son," he says. "I'm literally going to be in Miami for 24 hours and then I'm going back to be with him."


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Magic City Casino

450 NW 37th Ave., Miami, FL

Category: General

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5 comments
mjorizondo
mjorizondo

In other words he got a gig at the dog track?

D.f. Basora
D.f. Basora

This motherf-ker almost makes me ashamed to be a gay man

Cisco Bazan
Cisco Bazan

What did will.I.am's five fingers say to perez hilton's face? SLAP!

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