Five Miami Women We'd Rather See on The Real Housewives of Miami
The stars of The Real Housewives of Miami can be entertaining, sure -- if you're into drag queen drama, blowjob controversies, terrifying plastic surgery, and throwing people into pools. But let's be real about these "Real" Housewives. They're wacky and tacky enough for Bravo franchises based in cities like New York or Atlanta. But here in Miami, our nation's capital of bizarre people and faaahbulous lifestyles, these 'wives rank at about a two on the WTF scale.
So while we'll still be tuning in this Monday for the season three premiere of The Real Housewives of Miami, we've gotta admit that Bravo could've done better. Here are five local ladies who could easily replace Lisa, Lea, Adriana, Alexia, and Joanna.
But not Elsa. Never Mama Elsa.
5. Lin Arison
Knight Foundation / Flickr Creative Commons Lin Arison, being all philanthropic.
Every Housewives franchise needs a foil, what comedians call a straight man -- essentially, someone good and decent who makes everyone else look extra-embarrassing by comparison. Arison, as co-founder of YoungArts, helps creative kids achieve their dreams. Compared to that, damn near everyone else looks embarrassing. Plus, she has tons of Carnival Cruise Lines money, meeting Bravo's "ridiculously rich" casting requirement.
4. Julie Loria
Laine Doss Julie Loria (left), with Michelle Bernstein and Martha Stewart at SoBeWFF's Diamond Dishes.
The wife of Marlins owner and Most Hated Man in Miami Jeffrey Loria hosted a swanky South Beach Wine and Food Festival event last year -- inside the very baseball park her husband had recently used to swindle local taxpayers out of millions. Clearly, she has the entertaining chops necessary to host even the most tense, catfight-y cast dinners. Plus, Miami viewers could cathartically throw things at the screen every time her husband makes a cameo.