Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Seven: Let's Get Married, Bitches

Categories: Celebrities

If you don't believe in miracles, well, you should. Last week's episode of Real Housewives of Miami mentioned little to nothing about holy matrimony. Sure, they shopped for bridesmaid dresses, but that is about it.

But the lack of nuptials came to a screeching halt last night. If you were taking shots every time the word "wedding" was said, we know you aren't reading this. That is because your liver officially gave up, and now you're dead.

See also: Five Miami Women We'd Rather See on The Real Housewives of Miami

To get fully wedding ready, Team Blonde headed straight to Los Angles for planning of Joanna and Romain's ceremony. Because they don't have wedding dresses here in Miami? But this trip to the West Coast taught us was that in our next life, we want to be a supermodel. Joanna has not one, but five different houses around the country. So next time you skip the gym or stick that cronut down your guzzlet, just think about Mrs. Krupa's real estate portfolio.

Joanna expects her wedding guests to wear just one look on the day of her wedding. Um, not bougie enough, lady. Adriana, on the other hand, requires two costume changes throughout the day for each of her guests. No, really. If weddings weren't bad enough, now you're being asked to change mid-ceremony? If there wasn't open bar, I can't imagine anyone stuck around who wasn't Adriana or her man.

Meanwhile, Alexia has family drama. Her son Peter is kind of a hot-ass mess. He got arrested not too long ago for hitting a homeless man. Oh, and let's not forget catching the whole thing on camera. For violent act numero dos, he decides hitting a cabbie's car was the best option of revenge for giving him the finger. Dude has an aggressive streak that he needs to get under control ... but that being said, thank you, sir, for doing what we all have wanted to do a time or two to a cab driver. Uber, can you get here already?

In #FirstWorldProblems realness, we come to find out that Lea is not just the Mayor of Miami. Lisa informs us she is also a professor. Her lessons include diamonds and how to get a Hermes Birkin bag in one call or less. If you aren't that fashion savvy, unfortunately what the ladies were saying is true. It really is that hard to get your hands on one. When you can just call up a store associate and they say they will get you one in a couple of days or less, you're a really G. Lea, we will be pouring some out for you.

To end the episode on all that is matrimony, the day has come that Lisa has been waiting for: being Joanna's bridesmaid! That is after Krupa informs us all her friends in LA are the opposite of women in Miami. "They are all hardworking," she tells us. AKA, apparently we are all lazy bitches. Hey, maybe we are...

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