Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Eight: Mama Elsa Patton Returns!

In the words of Mama Elsa, let us say: "Amén!" How have we lived this long without this woman? The real question is, how did we live this long without Mr. Patton? Who the hell gets divorced after 50 years? You want to know who? Elsa F-ing Patton. There is no doubt in our minds she woke up, looked at him and said, "Puta, get out!" She is our personal hero.

Every week, we believe, Andy Cohen goes to producers and says, "Let's make them cry. At least once." This episode, it was Familia de Echevarria's turn to sob. We knew Alexia's first husband was shady, but we didn't know she was essentially living out the plot of Pain & Gain. That Cuban doll is going through some things. Stay strong, girl.

The conflict in Syria rages on. We essentially are a governmentless America today. And Romain and Joanna aren't having sex. When two sexy married people can't even get it on, what is the world coming to?

They decide they are going to role play to get in the mood. And as their softcore porno dragged on, that didn't even work. Maybe a dry hump is the next best option?

For the finale, it was time for Adriana's bachelorette party. The three Cs were there: Chippendales, champagne, and cocaine. Okay, fine, there was just the champagne. And the burning of a wedding dress. Bitches, this is Miami, or as we call it, Sin City with a beach. If you are sitting home with your girls at your bachelorette party, guess what? You're doing it wrong.

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