Ten Signs You're Not From Miami

Categories: Lists

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r0sss/Flickr
Bro, you're not even trying.
There are about a million types of people in Miami: billionaires and day laborers, porn stars and conservative Jews, and just about every nationality on the planet. But when you really think about it, there are just two kinds of people in this town: The ones who are from Miami, and the ones who aren't.

Plenty of people move to South Florida to start a new life in the sun and on the sand. But until you've lived here a while, learned a few things, and passed a few tests, most locals won't accept you as a "real" Miamian.

Wondering what you're missing? Here are ten telltale signs you're not from Miami.

See also: Ten Signs You've Lived in Miami Too Long

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eschipul/Flickr
10. You go to the beach.
There are two minority groups of Miamians who go to the beach: retirees and low-rent strippers. The rest of the people you see crowding the shores of South Beach are either tourists or recent transplants like you, AKA people who haven't yet grown spoiled by Miami's spectacular natural surroundings. So where do native Miamians cool off? Wherever their boat friends are sailing to that day, of course.

9. You have no hurricane stories.
If you've been in town only a year or two, you haven't yet experienced a major hurricane in South Florida. And that means you're missing out on a huge part of the local experience: bonding with your fellow Miamians over the weird and wild stuff that goes down when the power is out and the city is on lockdown. A lot of it is tragic: properties destroyed, cars flooded or crushed under fallen trees, roofs patched with blue tarp for years on end. Don't even mention the name Andrew. But the rest? It's damn entertaining. Remember that hurricane party at your cousin's place with the caja china after Charley? Or that time after Wilma when you and the stranded tourist girl got busy on the Washington Avenue sidewalk after curfew? No? You must be new here.

See also: Ten Signs You're a Miami Art Snob

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44 comments
antonioportas
antonioportas

i was here since the dog track was on 1 st next to the old pier and the nude beach close to the canal on south point park now

mmartin15
mmartin15

I would add to this list....you know they're not from Miami if when you say "On the beach" they actually think it's on the beach, and not in Miami Beach. 

frankd4
frankd4 topcommenter

..................................the originals excerpt from WIKI [Miami was officially incorporated as a city on July 28, 1896 with a population of just over 300. It was named for the nearby Miami River, which was named for the historic Mayaimi Indians who lived around Lake Okeechobee.]

from 300 then, 117 year ago, to about 5.5 million today !

any TEQUESTA indians left ?

Carl Snyder
Carl Snyder

....last American out bring the flag.

Joseph Fasulo
Joseph Fasulo

Kay Ortega I'm already adapting...my Spanish is much improved and I say 'bro' way too much now lol

Xoo Toth
Xoo Toth

No peekie pannie is also a good sign you are not from Miami

vicequeenmaria
vicequeenmaria

Ciara, you may not have been born and raised, but you hit this one on the nail! :-)

vicequeenmaria
vicequeenmaria

Ciara, my dear! You forgot one eensy teensy detail ... every true Miamian still calls Joe Robbie Stadium "Joe Robbie" LOL! :-)

Kurt Schweizer
Kurt Schweizer

I'd like to add something to #1 about whether or not one knows that the Miami Marlins were around starting in 1956. ;)

jerry
jerry

I'm a Miami native "born and raised" but have also lived in a lot of other big American cities (seven to be exact).

Not a bad column and somewhat true but I've read virtually the same column in every other place I've lived. Everyone thinks "their" traffic is the most confusing/maddening, "their" food is amazingly unique, and "their" local culture is unfathomable to outsiders.

The truth is much less dramatic. Not a single one of those things is unique to anywhere---they are just slightly different variations on the same theme.

And Spanish? It's 2013, not 1985 anymore. Very few people living in a big city ANYWHERE in America are unfamiliar with hearing Spanish spoken or interacting with Latin culture these days. Sometimes I think people in Miami need to get out of town a little more often! 

alexiazoe
alexiazoe

Everything true except for #1

alexiazoe
alexiazoe

Everything true except for #1

RANTone
RANTone

born and raised (i actually wrote this is an email request for a art basel event this morning) and i love the beaches. ill go anywhere from penrods up to surfside - shit, ill even go to  key biscayne if i have to take a dog with me. cmoooon, meng.

robert.n.nielsen
robert.n.nielsen topcommenter

Been here 2 years now. I loved it at first seeme dlike party paradise. Then I hated it for a long time and now I'm loving it again. Only in a city like this can a guy find a bad ass job working on and traveling with the cruise ships and training thier staff to put out fires. I've found a job I love a home to call my own and climate thats basically summer all year long. This city has def. grown on me.

Jerry Gonzalez
Jerry Gonzalez

I'm half Cuban and half Nicaraguan. That is a mix you only find BORN AND RAISED IN MIAMI DADE!

Cane
Cane

How about --- No hurricane stories for 6 years going on 7.  Trust me I know.  I moved here 6 years ago and nothing has hit yet.  My move was right after Wilma however.  I remember having a hard time getting around at first because a lot of street signs that were blown off were not replaced yet.

LaWanda Ogunsade Eiland
LaWanda Ogunsade Eiland

OH GAWD I was there for the 4th of July- I LOVE YOUR CITY!!!!!! I can't wait to return!!!!!!

Jc Rodriguez
Jc Rodriguez

100% Miamian here, but now living in LA.... but I miss Miami....

Amy Miller Brennan
Amy Miller Brennan

Well, I have learned in my 3 years here that they all suck with congestion 24/7.

Kay Ortega
Kay Ortega

Joseph Fasulo ^^^ This is for us lol

Gabriel Geronimo Pedraza
Gabriel Geronimo Pedraza

Great article. Let's not forget about spotting a Cuban cafe by spotting the orange cooler at the take-out window from a mile away.

Laurie Olszewski
Laurie Olszewski

I have to say I am guilty of this (#2) though my line is always: I was born in Miami, both my parents were born in Miami and my Grandfather was also born in Miami. And if you are reading this now and thinking there is nothing special about that and may even think I am a wee bit bragging here...well then you were not lucky enough to be born (and raised) in Miami.

miamitrev2
miamitrev2 topcommenter

595 isnt even in Dade County so yeah, you arent a native

Sarah Kay
Sarah Kay

I95 north to south, 395 east to east to the beaches 595 west to horse country and red neckville davie and Everglades Love, A Miami local

frankd4
frankd4 topcommenter

 

.................................yes, jerry,  BUT.....

what about MIAMI being the US trans-shipment point of DRUGs (not "every other place" can say that),  which accounts for a third or more (no one really knows) of it's total ECONOMY ?

what about MIAMI being ground zero for MEDICAID FRAUD (not "every other place" can say that),  which accounts for a tenth or more (no one really knows) of it's total ECONOMY ?

what about MIAMI being inundated with TOURISTs, our sojourning guests (not "every other place" can say that), which accounts for about a third or more (no one really knows) of it's total ECONOMY ?

we have, on any given single day, a largely false economy based on drugs and a significant variable population consisting mostly of lost, unfamiliar, unsuspecting, OVERcharged and UNDERserved temporary visitors typically being screwed with very few year-round "residential communities" except those that are very poor and whose inhabitants are simply too disenfranchised to move elsewhere (i do NOT include snow-bird nests that are inhabited only part of the year to be real "residential communities")

MIAMI is more like a third-world country than many, if not most, other US cities = that's why, as the saying goes, it's nice that MIAMI is so close to America (so it is easy to visit)

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