WWE's Hell in a Cell to Bring Glistening Pecs to Miami

Categories: Culture

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WWE Superstar Randy Orton: No hair, don't care.
Every October, pink ribbons pinned to chests remind us of the ongoing battle against breast cancer. Meanwhile, the sheen of oil and sweat on jiggling pecs squished into a cage reminds us that once again, WWE's Hell in a Cell is here at last.

This year is different, however, and not because breast cancer has finally been cured, but because the annual pay-per-view wrestling event is going down for the first time in Miami, at the American Airlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami). It may also be Clergy Appreciation Month, but didn't you already spend enough time with your rabbi in September?

See also: WrestleMania for Sissies, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Spandex

What about National Stamp Collecting month, you say? Collect a stamp off this postcard: "Dear Stamp Collecting Month, We don't care. Love, Wrestling is Awesome. P.S. Zzzzzzzz... <-- u give us sleepz"

Hell in a Cell is traditionally one of the more intense WWE events because the main events take place inside a 20-foot-tall cage. Within the cage a young, earnest wrestler soon finds there is no escape from the sweaty maniac who will stop at nothing to beat all comers into submission.

Wait, 20-foot ceilings? Actually, as long as the maniac doesn't keep eating the leftover Chinese food we were saving for tomorrow's lunch, this sounds a lot better than our current living arrangement.

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WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan, rocking that chic European tourist look.
If you witnessed the controversy of last month's Battleground event, you know that no fighter was crowned WWE Champion. But that problem will be solved this Sunday night during the title bout between Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan. Opponents of continued controversy should take comfort in that Shawn Michaels, the Heartbreak Kid, has been selected by WWE fans to be a special guest referee. Michaels, longtime fans will remember, won the first Hell in a Cell match in 1997, so he has a vested interest in protecting the legacy of the cage match.

It won't be easy for Michaels, though. According to the WWE, Orton has a "renewed connection with his sadistic side" (mazel tov!) and is up against "the unyielding determination of The Beard," which is Daniel Bryan's nickname because he has a beard. Jeez, remind us to never become a WWE Superstar on a day we've got a juicy zit, okay?

The special will also include the long-awaited return of the great John Cena, who will take on Alberto Del Rio. There will also be a match between the always divisive CM Punk and Ryback.

You, however, should not feel imprisoned in a metal cage as you have two options for watching this year's Hell in a Cell. You could be like everyone else and just order the pay-per-view ($44.95), which starts broadcasting at 7:30 p.m. Or, because you are in the Magic City, you can actually go to the event in person. Tickets are available at the AAA box office or from ticketmaster.com, or at 1-800-745-3000. They will cost you from $42.25 to $381.35 plus fees for this event that falls in the same month as Eczema and Psoriasis Awareness Month and Rett Syndrome Awareness Month. Hey, guess what? There's a thing called eczema. Now let's wrestle!

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American Airlines Arena

601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami, FL

Category: Music

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