Fifteen Signs You're at King of Diamonds
Art Basel is over. Christmas is still a couple of weeks away. You're in the middle of December's dead space, as Miami recovers from the biggest art event in the nation and prepares to get festive.
But that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Not with King of Diamonds just up the road.
If you're a fan of the musical stylings of Drake, Lil Wayne, and Mr. Ricky Rozay, visiting the notorious King of Diamonds is a bucket-list experience. It's the only place in the world where you can indulge in an amazing twerk tutorial while embracing all of your ratchet sensibilities. And you better get in soon, because you know Grandma is not gonna approve come Christmas.
But if you're a KOD virgin, it's important to know what to expect. Here are 15 experiences you're sure to have at King of Diamonds, based on my most recent visit.
15. The overwhelming sense of sadness when you walk in before 10 p.m. on a Thursday.
Johnny Nunez Drake and WorldStarHipHop founder Lee O'Denat -- AKA Q -- at KOD.
Listen, this little Cuban from Westchester is ballin' on a budget, so when I heard free entrance before 10 p.m. on Thursdays, I. WAS. THERE. But... no one else was. Because only my degenerate/cheap ass would jump at this offer. And unfortunately, things never really popped off. So, pro tip: Don't go on a Thursday. I hear Sundays and Mondays are where it's at.
14. Drake, Drake, and more Drake.
If you don't hear at least ten Drake songs, you're not at KOD. Consider him the mayor of this fine institution. I've been to Strokers in Atlanta, and that place plays a tremendous amount of hip-hop (naturally), but no club, exotic or otherwise, plays this much Drizzy. Oh, and KOD's playlist was fuego. The best hip-hop set I've heard in a hot minute.
13. There's no champagne except Moët.
'Cause they fancy, huh? Yes, I just made yet another Drake reference. OK, I'll stop now. Promise. At KOD, Ace of Spades, Cristal, and [insert popular rapper-endorsed champagne brand here] wasn't available. Maybe it's a BYOB type of thing when the likes of Rihanna and Jim Jones party here?
12. They serve reasonably priced drinks.
By Miami standards, obviously. In some parts of this town, a $7 Corona Light is a steal. And all drinks come with a side of T&A, so it doesn't get much better than that.
11. The strict "no gum" policy.
Take note: KOD cares about cleanliness. And no stray piece of gum was going to touch their pristine new carpets. They'll practically do a full cavity search to find gum on your person. So just leave the Trident at home.