I'm Sorry Wilmer Valderrama

Categories: Festivals

stephanie.jpg
Stephanie Rodriguez
At Calle Ocho
First and foremost, I want to apologize to Wilmer Valderrama. I didn't make it to your Tide/Covergirl tent on Sunday during the Calle Ocho festival last weekend. You're a young handsome, talented, and successful man who deserves attention. P.S. I'm single, bilingual, and ready to mingle.

However, let's be clear about one thing and one thing only -- IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

I had no clue where your tent was in the madness of the out-of-towners, crazies, Pitbull connoisseurs, old Cuba enthusiasts, and thong-showing chongas. It was nearly impossible to walk the streets of Calle Ocho without noticing all the different ethnicities coming together for the biggest festival of the year in Miami.

I know that seeing you in person, after all these years of watching That 70s Show re-runs, was unlikely. Why? Because "Who the hell knows where the corner of Beacon Avenue and Eighth Street is?" -- which is where you were supposed to be. "Que? Que?" I kept hearing everyone say each time I approached someone for directions.

Don't be mad, Papo. I wanted to meet you. I really did. But, I was a bit distracted by the salsa on the streets, the $2 beers, and the $3 pan-con-lechon sandwiches. Did I mention I found arepas for $4? What a steal! Too bad I didn't settle for those and got $5 ones later. The number one lesson I learned is, don't settle for a $10 pan-con-lechon when the vendor next door is selling it for a quarter of the price -- that's Miami for you, baby!

You know what else Miami is? Coming across people with tattoos that read "Established in 1991." After all, everyone needs a little reminder about the year that they decided to declare themselves to the world. You know what I also enjoyed watching? The random infomercials like "Miracle Kitchen Plus" demonstration. As if the beer, food, and concert stages weren't enough, I could buy a food processor too!!

I'm so sorry Wilmer. I also had to come to the rescue for a couple from Germany, Andrea and Thomas Horn, when they told me that they were looking for vegan food. Pobrecitos. I had to tell them that they weren't in Kansas anymore (or should I say Germany!).

Speaking of tourists, the family from Detroit I bumped into seemed to have no problem getting around. The middle-aged matriarch of the group yelled "We're from Detroit -- that's right!" with the same je ne sais quoi that the Miami ghetto endures.

I'm sure glad I bumped into Channel 10's anchors Laurie Jennings and Calvin Hughes to keep myself grounded. I couldn't help but notice how good Calvin broke it down to Latin hip-swaying music. It was also incredibly adorable how Laurie kept trying to keep up with him.

After our photo op, I continued to try to make it out to you to see if maybe I'd at least get a 2-minute interview and photo-op with you, Wilmer, but nothing seemed to work.

After miles and miles of walking, my legs couldn't take the exhaustion anymore.I started to accept that I might never find Beacon Avenue. So, before I left the party of the year, I decided to move my ass one last time to some heavy Dominican merengue by 74-year-old Johnny Ventura. He's 74-years-old. But, the man looks and acts like he's in his 40s. True story.

So anyway I left Calle Ocho after scratching my Ventura performance itch and left around 6:30 p.m. Then suddenly, I saw a sign a great big sign that read "Beacon Avenue," and I shouted Fred Flintstone's famous line, but with a twist, "Wilmer!!!!!!!!!"

-- Stephanie Rodriguez

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13 comments
cravings4
cravings4

@hollywouldnt  Hahaha. Sounds like he hit a soar spot there. Hmmm.... very mature of you. Thanks for contributing to the rest of our malicious society. It only takes one comment to send you to tell people to kill themselves in traffic. Wow! Says a lot about you! Wonder why the New Times let you go? Or the bigger question...where are you working now? I would dislike an employee like you on my staff or near me for that matter. Not only does your comment lack intelligence, but you pretty much threw the New Times under the bus by relating that they hire young, distasteful people that lack quality and common sense. This proves their lack of professionalism. Interesting. Thanks for reaching out to him :) It's lovely to observe not only one's true colors but an entire business entity's.

Bebep
Bebep

All I learned from this pointless drivel is that you don't know how to use Google Maps.

hollywouldnt
hollywouldnt

What exactly is the point of this post? Fes!

Miami305Guy
Miami305Guy

@cravings4  You took the words right out of my mouth!!! Sounds like you know the deal!!! Thanks for backing me up!

SROD27
SROD27

@Bebep  Google Maps doesn't work sweetheart when you're in a large crowd and everyone is trying to use their phone at the same time. Your comment is brave. Just as brave as your profile picture. Identify yourself and man up to your criticism.

SROD27
SROD27

@hollywouldnt  The point is the festival and outrageous Miami people. Did you read? Unless you're from Miami, will you understand it.

hollywouldnt
hollywouldnt

I am from Miami & I found the article to be drivel.

Miami305Guy
Miami305Guy

@hollywouldnt  Yes. It shows. Especially judging by your previous comments. Sounds more like you have a Napoleon complex to me by trying to persuade people that you're educated by using words such as "drivel" to downplay a well-written blog.

cravings4
cravings4

@Miami305Guy @hollywouldnt  It's a blog not an article and you probably don't understand it because you use words like drivel.


HILARIOUS!!! WELL SAID @Miami305Guy !!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! SERIOUSLY?! WHO TALKS LIKE THAT AND IS FROM MIAMI?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Miami305Guy
Miami305Guy

@hollywouldnt  It also is extremely apparent that you and @Bebep are the same person based on the fact that you used the SAME EXACT RIDICULOUS WORD twice. Have a grudge against someone baby?

Miami305Guy
Miami305Guy

@hollywouldnt  It's a blog. Not an article.


The definition of a blog is as follows:


blog (a truncation of the expression web log)[1] is a discussion or informational site published on the World Wide Web and consisting of discrete entries ("posts") 



You should know that based on your use of the word "drivel" (which by the way is atypical from someone from Miami), but I guess opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

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