The Ten Guys You Meet on Tinder
Match is for desperados, eHarmony for old fogies, and Christian Mingle for closeted freaks, leading us cyber whores to the next best thing - Tinder. Meant to serve as an on-the-go service for both social and non-social single specimen, this dating app triggers and targets local hotties (and sometimes the occasional mutants) in your surrounding neighborhoods. Not only is it easy as hell to maneuver, but also fun - some would even call it sport-like, or a game perhaps. This year's Olympians can attest to that. But for the ladies new to the game, sometimes it proves challenging to weed out the weird and distinguish those worthy of that fateful right swipe, especially in our beloved Magic City.
Not to fear, gal pals. Let the below content decode the actions and words of your most common Miami male prospects. On your mark, get set, swipe.
See also: Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated
The Incestual Guy
Sure, buddy, we totally believe that's how you take pictures with your "sister." From that gleam of happiness glistening in his eye, right down to the hovering hand over her ass, try all his might to convince you that supermodel standing arm in arm with him, who replicates the exact DNA makeup of Candice Swanepoel, is in fact his dear sissy-poo, or at best, a cousin. To the left, to the left!
His profile reads "Age: 27" but by the looks of his receding hairline and pronounced crows feet you refuse to believe. A befitting 45 would have been a more appropriate choice for his mature nuances. While the oldies are trying to restore their glory from more supple days, the younglings seem to be in the same state of denial. If it's not one, it's definitely the other, aka a guy who claims to be 29 when he looks prepubescent. Leave the pitchy voices to the Disney Channel and the saggy balls to Turner Classic Movies. Just swipe left.