Beckham, Shmeckham: Meet the Hot Young Soccer Hunks of Miami United

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Hunkz 4 a Cause: hot, young soccer hunks pose with handsome, younger soccer studs.
If you're looking for a hot, young sports hunk, you could do a lot worse than a hot, young soccer hunk. They don't get weird steroid bodies like baseball players, don't burst into flames like NASCAR drivers and, unlike in greyhound racing, they are usually humans.

But where to find hot, young soccer hunks in Miami? Why, on Miami United, of course! Until crusty, old "football" carcass David Beckham brings his ugly team to town, Miami United is the city's only professional soccer team.

Miami United Players have such juicy thighs, these guys could have been factory farmed. But if that's not enough to foul you in your penalty area, a portion of all 2014 jersey sales benefit Hope for Autism United, a coed team of autistic youth footballers who work with Miami United players and will be featured at all home games. (More at AutismSocer.org)

Miami United won their home opener Sunday (4-3) against the Tampa Marauders -- as if anyone marauds like Miami does. To announce this year's players, Miami United hosted a party at Segafredo in Brickell, which was packed thigh-to-thigh with hot, young soccer hunks. But what hunky thoughts were on the hot, young minds of Miami United?

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Ferdinando de Mathaeis, head coach
Here's a list of who needs buttons: teddy bears, chickenshit fighter pilots who want to eject, doorbells. Did you notice that soccer coaches aren't on that list? Neither did Ferdinando de Mathaeis. He's too busy being a boss to read lists.

As a former hot young soccer hunk (and present-day regular ol' hot soccer hunk), de Mathaeis knows quite a bit about scouting talent. And at the nexus of hunkiness and soccer in Miami, few figures leap out so syphilitically as disgraced The Bachelor, Juan Pablo. Is Coach familiar with him?

"He seemed to be doing well during the season but at the end, he made a bad image for himself," de Mathaeis assesses quite accurately. But does he have what it takes to play on Miami United?

"People say he's somewhere in Miami. Maybe he has talent? Tell him to come by. We're open to everyone."

One of his sport's difficulties in the United States comes from league fragmentation. Miami United, the Fort Lauderdale Strikers, Tampa Bay Rowdies, and Orlando City each play in separate leagues. Instead of playing those teams, Miami United has matches scheduled against Puerto Rico.

"It's the system set up in the U.S. The leagues all have to work on their own," the coach says. "There's no unity. Everybody's happy at the top level and don't seem to care. But I think Miami United is going to get some people's attention this season."

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Claudia Romani, the beautiful part of the beautiful game
Romani has been on covers of GQ and Maxim. Her legs aren't even in Denmark but that didn't stop Q from naming her "Denmark's Most Beautiful Legs." (legs not pictured) She grew up in L'Aquila as an AC Milan supporter, idolizing Paolo Maldini.

"It's in our blood in Italy, to love [hot young soccer hunks]," she says. "Maldini was so good and beautiful and at least as far as we know, is loyal to his wife."

But is there a Miami United player whom she finds especially hot and hunky? One she might want to date?

"Oh, no!" she says, recoiling. At first, we thought there was a translation error and "date" sounds like the Italian word for "slow murder." (Turns out that word is panini.)

"Well, soccer players are known for being a little...." She trails off, leaving the rest unsaid. "If you'd like to partake in that whole world, I'd say do it," Romani advises. "But it isn't for me."

Location Info

Map

Milander Auditorium

4800 Palm Ave., Hialeah, FL

Category: General

Segafredo Zanetti Espresso Cafe

1421 S. Miami Ave., Miami, FL

Category: General

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5 comments
MLSforDowntownMiami
MLSforDowntownMiami

Hilarious. No mention that they are aiming for an undefeated season? They crushed Tampa on Sunday, with just 10 on the field.

ingridsita17
ingridsita17

Who wrote this? Honestly you are an idiot.

Alba Lu
Alba Lu

Sheila Lilybeth Cordova

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