Hey Girl...

​Women need very little to survive: food, water, and high-speed Internet access so they can peruse the gazillion images of Ryan Gosling that float around like meteoroids of pure hot in cyberspace. The ladies have been obsessed with Gosling ever since the release of The Notebook. Hell, those "Photoshopped" abs are even enough to make us overlook his fake Brooklyn accent. And when ladies become loony from the sizzle of sex appeal, they're capable of doing pretty funny things.

Case in point: the Hey Girl Ryan Gosling web meme, which takes pictures of the Drive and Blue Valentine star and inserts captions that always start off with "Hey girl," and end in campy, flirty hilarity written from Gosling's perspective. This particular meme has become so popular that it has sprouted spin-offs like Feminist Ryan Gosling and Hey Girl Teacher.

This is too much power for one mere mortal. Jesus is not amused. So we at Cultist have decided to diffuse some of this ex- Mouseketeer's glory by creating a few un-sexy Ryan Gosling memes in an attempt to make Gosling a little less drool-inducingly appealing. Can it be done? You be the judge.
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Clogging our arteries one laugh at a time

Daniel Reskin, the Miami-born server-by-day, comic-by-night (we're sure he's a trained ninja somewhere in between there) just announced he's releasing his own podcast. More >>

​If there is one area that seems more vagina-friendly than ever these days, it's comedy; Cameron Diaz agreed when we interviewed her. Just take a look at the biggest ladies of the moment: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig -- strong, talented, respected women whose success has them rolling in cash.

But apparently other people in the comedy field don't agree with Diaz's assessment. Fellow comedian Cory Kahaney is one of those people.
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As if in a relay race of cute ladies, one of South Florida's finest comedy nights was handed from one of the prettiest girls in comedy to another. After Jessica Gross, birth mommy of the Moustache Ride Comedy Show,  moved to New York, the torch of the laughable evening was handed over to new mommy Irene Morales.

This ride starts and ends at Lester's the second Wednesday of each month. When Gross skipped town, neither the folks at Lester's nor Jessica wanted the show to come to an end. All eyes turned to Morales, who had performed at every show. Suddenly, she inherited the title of hostess.
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​Have you not heard of the Have-Nots? They produce comedy with a purpose, according to their mission. Miami comedians have joined forces to form a tribe of talent, putting on shows of the highest quality.

They've asked Johnny Trabs -- extremely funny guy, CBS Miami's "Best Comic in Miami 2010," SunPost Weekly's "Readers' Choice Best Local Comic 2012," and one half of A Pair of Nuts -- to kick off a Have-Nots series at the Miami Science Museum Theater. Trabs will headline this week; after that, Comedy Night at the Museum will bring in big ol' attention-grabbing names and genuinely funny comics to perform each month.

The event will also garner the museum some well-deserved attention. Trabs remembers going to the museum as a kid and hitting up the laser light shows in high school. "I have a lot of weird memories of the planetarium and Museum of Science," he says. It's only fitting, then, that this man will bring more weirdness to this place.
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​Very few comedians in this city can drop a joke better than the indubitable Ricky Cruz. The Miami native has been a staple of local standup comedy for years. His constantly evolving routine consistently possesses a sharp insight into our city's multicultural mess. Miami's downright funny, and Cruz is not only a consummate professional in his satire and shtick, he's a cool motherfucker. You've seen him on HBO, Comedy Central, NBC's Last Comic Standing, and at the South Beach Comedy Festival. And now you can enjoy him in an intimate and exclusive interview with yours truly.

New Times: How was your 2011?
Ricky Cruz: Twenty-eleven was great. I celebrated my 13th year in the business and had some amazing opportunities in film and television. I got to work with Tom Cruise for two months on Rock of Ages and had a co-starring role on the now cancelled Charlies Angels. Bummer it was canceled, but still cool to have a small part in an iconic series. Stand-up was steady. I continued working in great clubs nationwide with some cool cats. Sorry one of my favorite guys to work with, Patrice O'Neal, passed away. He was amazing to watch work. RIP, buddy.

What was the best comedy film in 2011?
Horrible Bosses without a doubt. F'ing hilarious. We've all been there, working some job we hate for some clown that gets off on riding you.
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​Hannibal Buress has a big year ahead of him. His one-hour stand-up special is scheduled to premiere on Comedy Central this spring. He is also developing his own sitcom for FOX, which will feature Jonah Hill as executive producer. And he's kicking it all off with a headliner at the Miami Improv next week.

Buress' writing credits already include Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock. He says he wants to tour non-stop and is widely considered one of the brightest young comics around.

"I just talk about what is going on in my life: dating, traveling, drinking, playing video games, hanging out, all of it. I just talk about what I do and hope people enjoy it," he says.
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Hello, old friend.

​Gilbert Gottfried is a Jewish-American institution. He's not just any Jew, but the self-proclaimed "most obnoxious" one in the world, a role Gottfried says he's "fighting to keep" after more than 30 years in the industry.

"Oh dammit, I was trying to keep the fact that I was Jewish secret all these years," the foul-mouthed, squinty-eyed comedian quips during a recent interview with New Times.

Gottfried is appearing at Ricochet Lounge on December 26, coincidentally the seventh night of Hanukkah. "You just let the secret out."

Sorry.
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​As 2011 comes to an end, we're getting all nostalgic about the great moments in Miami culture that took place over the past year. And we know we're not alone. So we've asked some of Miami's top artists, writers, film producers and other cultural geniuses about their favorite 2011 memories.

Forrest Shaw is one of the funniest and most hard working comedians in South Florida. In a market filled with talent, Shaw consistently brings an "A" game to the stage. His deadpan persona and crisp timing make him irresistible to any crowd, regardless of age, gender or ethnicity. And though he might not admit it, he's also very intelligent (a former marine biologist).

In five years, Forrest has blossomed into a legitimate headliner. We caught up with the comic for an awesome in-depth interview, recapitulating the past year with a focus on Miami, while exploring the unique and psychologically deep waters of stand-up comedy.
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​About a month ago, the Fillmore Miami Beach announced that our favorite comedian, Tracy Morgan, would be gracing their stage on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

Our heart went aflutter and we shot our Miami New Times editor an email begging asking to cover the show. Luckily for us she obliged, even went as far as setting us up with a Q&A last week.

This past Friday, Morgan's "people" called us and said, "No one can find him. I mean, he is very busy. Can we move it to next week?"

Ugh, fine.

Morgan's handlers tracked him down on Tuesday. They warned us that he only wanted to discuss his stand-up at the Fillmore, 30 Rock, and absolutely nothing about his anti-gay rant. We obliged and milked our 270 seconds of allocated time to ask what we could. Check out
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