Jungle Island Debuts Water Park With Obstacles, Diving Cliffs, and Trampolines

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It takes about five seconds of exposure to the current weather conditions before your body breaks out into a muggy sweat. We live in an urban jungle, and this pack of fashionably wild animals needs a watering hole.

Welcome summer with Jungle Island this Saturday, when the attraction happily announces the opening of its new aqua park. Gather the kids and hit the new beach (a whole beach!) when the heat is at its worst; then stay for the colorful summer experience African Nights, featuring dazzling performances by Cirque Zuma Zuma.

It's all part of Jungle Island's commitment to park redevelopment, and because the attraction really love its locals, it's sweetening the deal with some of the lowest prices ever.

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Mercury Is in Retrograde: Here's How to Survive the Chaos

Categories: Lifestyle

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NASA Godard Flight Space Center/Flickr
Bad news, everyone. Today is Friday the 13th. And it's a full moon. And the planet Mercury is in retrograde. In other words, shit is about to get weird.

Mercury's retrograde is the universe's idea of a practical joke that goes on for three weeks and happens four times a year. What happens is that Mercury slows down and appears to stop; then an optical illusion makes it seem as if it's moving backward. All planets do this, but Mercury's halt and three-week chillout by the sun has a different sort of impact to us down here on Earth. Why? Astrologers say Mercury rules our ability to communicate and think clearly. It also rules our intelligence, mind, and memory. In mainstream society, that means it controls commerce, computers, telephones, travel, transportation, and anything having to do with relaying a message or thing from one place to another.

But that doesn't mean you should stay home like a hermit crab for the next three weeks. You just have to be a little careful. Here are some precautions to take, especially in Miami.

See also: Florida Is the Most Stressed State in America, Study Says

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Exhale Spa's Loews Hotel Opening Brought Out Hotties and Housewives

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Walking down Collins Avenue on any given day, you're likely to see a non-English speaking extended Italian family, a buzzed beach bum, and Lil' Kim -- all on the same block. These mutually exclusive demographic sects are seemingly only united in Miami's passion for humidity, the burgeoning art scene and uncircumcised men.

Yet there is one Miami institution where all these disparate people can come together and be equals: the spa.

During the high season, spas might scoff at the downmarket local clientele, but during the summer, they're desperate for the cheap, fast cash Miamians have to offer. Last week, Exhale Spa opened its second location at the Loews Hotel right in the thick of the action, and they celebrated the kick-off with a large outdoor Core Fusion Yoga class made up of some of the beach's best characters.

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The Ten Most Miami Cars on the Road

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Photo by Travis Cohen
In Miami, "transportation" means cars -- yours, a friend's, your parents', whomever's. We have no functional public transit system to speak of, and getting into a cab basically means paying an eccentric stranger a ridiculous amount of money to drive you three miles and nearly kill you 14 or 15 times along the way. And because everyone here is driving himself, with about 2.5 million people in Miami-Dade County, there are a lot of cars roaming around.

But they're not all special, unique snowflakes. There are ten types of car in Miami that you see more than anywhere else. Chances are you have the keys to one right now.

Here are the ten most Miami cars on the road.

See also: How Miami Are You? Ten Ways to Tell

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Shape Magazine Names Two Miami Trainers as Hottest in the Country

Categories: Lifestyle

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Jason Martuscello is pretty hot, right?
We're Miami. We know we're hot, and so does the whole world, but now, it's official.

Shape Magazine just counted the 50 sexiest male trainers in the country, and two of them are representing us and our scorching endless-summer bods. Who are the gorgeous fellas ready to sweat and sculpt you into a Grecian muse?

The big congrats goes out to Jason Martuscello and Ethan Marine, two hunky health-freaks with physiques and attitudes so sexy, they're contagious.

See also: Comic Reacts to Survey Finding Miami Third Least Funny City in America

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X-Rated Run Rebrands, Keeps All the Balls and Whistles

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Sometimes, it ain't easy being sexy. In October, organizers from the first-ever adult-themed mud run announced it would switch locations from central Florida to Virginia Key. Now, the event is tweaking its brand in an effort to foster connections with more companies, according to founder and organizer Kelly Perez.

"Because the name 'X-Rated Run' was rejected from LivingSocial and Groupon, [it] prevented us from forming partnerships with some sexual health organizations -- and based on emails received -- people assumed we were a naked run," Perez told New Times this week. "We were forced to change the 'name to 'The X Run.'"

See also: X-Rated Run Moved to Miami! Porn Stars and Mud-Wrestling Pits Coming to Virginia Key

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Feed the Homeless Flash Mob to Hit Downtown, Overtown

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With all the festival madness of late; traffic, life, and just getting from point A to B is more taxing than usual. Some locals, however, think we should focus on helping others in trying times instead of dissolving into fits of road rage and grumpiness. One such radical is Miami resident Give Thanx Bellafonte, whose group 4MK spreads its peaceful message through music and doing good.

Together with New York-based organization Project Impact, 4MK will lead a Feed the Homeless Flash Mob on Saturday, April 5, beginning in Downtown and Overtown, followed by a performance at Camillus House. Since its initial run in 2012, the flash mob has seen an explosion in popularity, with people from London, Mexico, France, and around the U.S. making a collective effort to attack poverty on each given date.

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Miami New Times' Beer Pong Tournament Friday at Whiskey Joe's, Win $200

Categories: Lifestyle, Sports

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Doesn't this just look delicious?
So you like competitive sports, and you like to drink, but you wish you could mix the two without the unpleasant side effect of running 'til you puke.

Well, you can have your beer and drink it, too, all while winning cold-hard cash at the New Times Beer Pong Tournament Series, sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon and kicking off Friday, Feb. 21, at
Whiskey Joe's.

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Valentine's Day Packages You Can't Afford

Categories: Lifestyle

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Photo courtesy of Ritz-Carlton Miami Beach
This couple looks happy because they're in love and filthy rich.
Valentine's Day is a mere days away, and what better way than to say "I love you" than by spending crazy amounts of your hard earned cash on extravagant gestures that will top whatever the Real Housewives of Miami can dream of?

What ever happened to the days of handmade cards and home-cooked meals? At some point, we decided outlandish was in and candid romance was out. People seem to favor over the top, and so much so, that some of Miami's most alluring hotels are planning entire packages at exorbitant prices.

In case you're one of those people for which money is no object, one of these might just be the way to you sweetheart's, well, heart.

See also: Free Events This Week: Bikini Jazz, Big Wedding Bash, and Celeb Match-Up

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B.O.M.B. Beard and Mustache Competition: Movember Lives at Tobacco Road

Categories: Lifestyle

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It's been a month since Movember washed down bathroom sinks to the relief of lovers and neighborhood parents. It's been just one day since Santa Claus dunked his exhausted whiskers in a sitz bath. But the brave men and gender-role-thwarting women of B.O.M.B. (Brotherhood of Mustaches & Beards) are still going strong.

At 7 p.m. on Saturday night at Tobacco Road, the third annual B.O.M.B. Beard and Mustache Competition celebrates South Florida's most architecturally daring facial hair in a 14-category showdown.

All proceeds will go to the Miami Rescue Mission's comprehensive support of Miami's needy and homeless populations. If the organizers manage to solve income inequality and the systemic ills of capitalism, it is entirely possible that any leftover cash will go to hair transplants for patchy-faced youths.

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