Will Divine ever find true love?

​Often, a movie's title tells us everything we need to know. Four Weddings and a Funeral, Hoover, and Edward Scissorhands are all aptly titled flicks that deliver what their monikers promise. But for every Psycho or Outbreak, there's a film that hides its true subject matter behind a clever, ironic title.

That's all well and good, except on Valentine's Day, when you're hoping for a film about lakeside picnics and endless devotion, but instead you get one about incest, mental illness, infectious disease, having sex with dead people, eating dog shit, and/or debilitating poverty.

To avoid that fate, check out our list of disturbing movies with misleadingly romantic titles so you know what not to watch this Valentine's Day -- unless your goal is making your sweetheart puke up those hand-dipped chocolate covered strawberries you whipped up.
More >>

Wikipedia

​We don't mean "prince," as in "heir to the throne." (Though that would be awesome -- imagine how the game would be played under NFL Commissioner Ochocinco.) We mean Prince, as in "Party Like It's 1999," Purple Rain, and that un-pronounceable symbol that earned him so much ridicule back in the day.

New England Patriots wide receiver and Miami Beach Senior High School football alum Chad Ochocinco also pissed off plenty of people when he changed his last name from Johnson to Ochocinco in 2008. But now that he's getting married, TMZ reported yesterday, The Athlete Formerly Known As Johnson plans to revert back to the name his mama gave him. Apparently, he doesn't want his wife to have a "made-up name."

We salute your name-changing ways, Chad, because it only confirms what we already knew: You and Prince are soulmates, or possibly separated at birth.
More >>

Creative Tools

​Look, we're gonna tell it like it is right off the bat: The best relationship-ending gift is herpes. Though it will rid you of your annoying significant other, it begins another lifelong, kinky ménage à trios between you, your pharmacist, and a science project called Valtrex™. With only mild side-effects like headaches, nausea, and abdominal pain (uh, so we're told), it sounds like less of a pain in the snatch than being in a relationship. Plus, it'll never, ever leave you.

But enough about Rihanna's parting gift to Chris Brown. Valentine's Day is around the corner, and if you're in an unhappy relationship, it's the worst time of year. But we have your solution: a quick little list of gifts all but guaranteed to start a fight of epic magnitude. You could save your money and just dump the jerk already. But if you're looking for the coward's way out, go ahead and pick up one of these "gifts" today.
More >>

Wikipedia

​Everyone has that one great aunt who talks about the characters from her "stories" like she knows them personally. We used to think it was kinda sad. But lately, several returning TV shows have us craving a deeper connection with the people we see on the screen.

Yes, we're talking about befriending TV characters. Is it pathetic to feel real affection for a fictional character? Perhaps. But it's no more pathetic than your stash of heavily Photoshopped porn, so maybe let's not be so judgey, okay?

From the Deputy Director of the Pawnee City Department of Parks and Recreation to a sexy Colombian housewife, these are five characters we want as our besties.
More >>

freefotouk, Flickr

We hear fast cars impress the ladies.

​They say money can't buy love. But "they" are obviously not from Miami, the "filthy rich old men driving around with 22-year-old wannabe supermodels sitting in the passenger seats of their red Ferraris" capital of the world.

Let's put the anti-Hallmark bullshit aside and be frank: Valentine's Day is all about wooing your significant other, and when money is no object, you can tug on those heartstrings with even mightier force. We're not talking about boxes of fancy chocolates or two dozen crimson roses. We're talking about chartering aircrafts, hiring private chefs, and other over-the-top ridiculousness.

Here's what Miami suitors willing to go to the ends of the Earth (or at least their pockets) for their gold-digging lovers are spending their money on this year.
More >>

Wikipedia

Tammy Wynette would be proud.

​Can we all stop hating on Gisele Bundchen? The lady has had a pretty stressful week. First she had to watch her husband, Tom Brady, completely choke in his starring role on the most-watched TV show of all time. Then she had to pretend she thought he did a really excellent job. Cameras captured her assuring him, "You played the best game of your life" -- without laughing. We shouldn't be condemning her; we should be awarding her the damn Oscar.

Besides, with her pro-Brady, anti-all-other-Patriots remarks, Gisele joins a long line of ladies who've stood by their men through extremely tough times. From their husbands' infidelities, addictions, and general asshattery, some girls have mastered the art of loyalty -- or at least the art of denial. So welcome to the Stand by Your Man Club, Gisele. Here's a look at your fellow members.
More >>

Flickr CC Bernhard Latzko

If they can do it, so can we.

​If you really think about it, the only thing separating most private sex acts from the public realm is just a thin layer of drywall and people's puritanical inhibitions. Does that thought excite you? If so, you're not alone -- a lot of folks derive increased pleasure from the danger of being caught having sex in public.

While we don't condone criminal acts (unless they're hilarious), we've compiled a list of the best places to bang wildly in public. Please keep in mind, these ideas are for educational purposes only. We're not responsible if you end up on the sex offender registry because you pulled your dong out in Kendall Ice Arena.

Note: Your definition of a "public place" may vary; for example, some people believe having sex in your car at a drive-in theater is public, whereas we like to think of our automobiles as tiny, private mobile homes. For the purposes of this article, we'll only consider it public if an object not owned by you or your partner grazes your ass cheeks.
More >>

Republicans rock

​They say Hollywood is full of leftist liberals and borderline communists. In fact, the right has been spouting that line since the '40s and '50s, when several actors were blacklisted for their alleged ties to the American Communist Party during America's second Red Scare.

Well, the Cold War is over. Film actors, directors, screenwriters, and producers can freely vote Obama -- they might still be labeled a commie, but at least they won't be banned from work. But there are still a few celebrities who play it straight and stick with the GOP.

So what's the deal with all the celebrities endorsing Republicans? Our guess: a real case of the crazies. Check out our list of celebrities with a screw loose.
More >>

lionbuzz.com

​It's official: The Miss USA beauty pageant won't be coming to Miami Beach in 2012.

Imagine a single, tragic tear rolling slowly down Cultist's face. We had our snark engines all revved up, just waiting to pounce on the big hair, the flashy gowns, the crazy eyes and fake-happy smiles. Why, Miami Beach? Why couldn't you get it together?

The official answer, of course, is a lack of money. But fiscal responsibility in Miami just doesn't ring true, especially when there are boobs involved. There must be some other reason. And between bouts of sobbing into our pints of Ben & Jerry's, we might have figured out what that is.
More >>

battleshipmovie.com

You sunk my childhood!

​They came for G.I. Joe, and we said nothing, because we always thought G.I. Joe was kinda dumb.

Then they came for Transformers, and we said nothing, because Michael Bay is unstoppable and anyway, Megan Fox is hot.

But then they came for Battleship, and we realized that soon, there would be no childhood experience left that hasn't been bastardized for fun and profit on the big screen.

The movie execs of the world have been pillaging our earliest memories for film premises for years, but the latest example -- Battleship, in which Liam Neeson, Rihanna, and Eric the vampire from True Blood battle an alien invasion -- is perhaps the most egregious. Were we playing with a defective game, or were there supposed to be extra-terrestrials raining from the sky as we called out "B-4! C-7!"

But hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em -- and maybe make some sweet cash in the process. So we'd like to pitch the following films based on other Hasbro toys. (Call us, Michael Bay.)
More >>